On carrying

There’s a feeling you get, a sense of unease caused by something that’s almost human but not quite. Look around on YouTube and you’ll find a number of attempts to create something that feels innately human, be it a robot; an impressive 3d model or something else entirely. When things don’t act the way we expect them to we get anxious.

Enter me. I’m 28, an avid podcast listener and a sufferer of a pretty mild case of Cerebral Palsy; so mild in fact that most of my friends or acquaintances have no idea. Hell, even I don’t realise sometimes.

I’ve been nursing a gym membership for around three years now. I’m by no means muscular but given an online poll I’d describe my build as athletic. You know, it’s clear that I try to stay fit but I’m not making a big song and dance about it.

You might assume that I’m physically strong, but that couldn’t be further from the truth; It’s all an elaborate facade. Of course in my childhood it wasn’t an issue. I could avoid the monkey bars and happily lost arm wrestle after arm wrestle but as I got older I started hearing something that would plunge me in to a well of anxiety and self pity.

It came in different forms, from “can you carry this” to the a altogether more direct “you get that end”. If you hadn’t guessed from this long winded pre-amble, I’m not only no good at carrying things, it’s also a constant source of worry as it’s one of the few occasions when my disability gets the better of me. In an instant I’m transformed from my normal quietly confident self in to a swirling typhoon of nervousness.

Even more concerning are the rules to this particular problem. I can, for instance carry shopping bags just fine, and I was happily carrying a banana up some stairs just nine hours ago but give me something large and heavy, or worse yet something with spillage potential then you’ll soon the distress; beads of sweat start to form, I feel naked and exposed to the elements.

It’s not uncommon at this point to hear the familiar sigh of disappointment. “You’re a strong lad, this should be easy”, they say in my imagination. I’d like to say it’s now that I speak honestly about the problem, tell them about the rules and why I’m afraid to get a round in a the bar but that’s the problem with living in the uncanny valley; the robot will do anything to his it’s circuitry.