Noah and the Fish

All characters are unapologetically British. FISH 2 speaks in a high-pitched, whiny accent.

Noah approaches the pond.

NOAH: Excuse me, yes, hello!

The two FISH approach the shore.

NOAH: I suppose you’ve noticed some strange goings on with the other animals?

FISH 1: Aye, we’ve noticed. Two by two, the Ark, and all that.

NOAH: Good. Yes. Well, I just wanted to stop by and…thank you for being so understanding.

FISH 2: Understanding of what?

NOAH figets a bit.

NOAH: Naamah hasn’t…come to talk to you yet?

FISH 1: No, about what?

NOAH fidgets more uncomfortably now.

NOAH: Terribly sorry to have bothered you. I must be going.

FISH 2: No, wait! Talked to us about what exactly? When we’re scheduled to board?

NOAH: Well that about hits the nail on the head, it seems. Construction of your tank hasn’t gone…exceptionally well.

FISH 1: Well we can delay a bit, can’t we?

NOAH glances nervously up at the sky. It rumbles back at him.

NOAH: (t0 the sky) Alright I’ll get on with it!

NOAH: (to the fish) Now see here. Some animals have been blessed with certain..advantages, while others have not. The birds have their wings, capable of great flight. The leopards have their legs, capable of great speed. And you lot, well…

FISH 2: Hold on, hold on, I see what’s going on here. He’s trying to give us the shaft!

FISH 1: Oh no you don’t, mister! We’s animals just like the rest of them. We deserve our spot on the Ark!

NOAH: But do you really need one? I mean-

FISH 2: I’ve never been more insulted in my life! You expect us to swim alongside like a couple of tagalongs!

NOAH: Begging your pardon, terribly, but wouldn’t you be…happier in the water? Your territory is about to expand dramatically, you know.

FISH 1: But it’s the principle of the thing! Oh, we’ll never hear the end of this from those blasted Frogs!

FISH 2: I can see them now, sitting on the deck, staring down at us in contempt with their beady little eyes…

FISH 1: I won’t have it! Noah, we demand you find room for us!

NOAH: You should consider yourselves lucky! Why, think of the poor Unicorns. My family and I can only make our holds so large.

FISH 2: Those showboating idiots? Prancing around getting their heads stuck in any errant tree they happen to stumble across? It’s a wonder they’ve made it this far.

NOAH: Well I don’t think you’re being quite fair.

FISH 1: This is animal racism, is what this is!

FISH 2: Animalism, dear.

FISH 1: Yes, that’s what this is — animalism!

NOAH: Come on now, I’m just trying to think practically. This is a very trying business, this construction of the Ark! In what universe would it make sense to construct a giant tank in which to hold fish, when we are-quite literally-floating on top of the largest body of water the world has ever seen?!

FISH 1 sniffs.

FISH 1: One in which the feelings of others are considered.

NOAH: Oh this is hopeless. Good day!

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