Dismantled Confederate Statue Being Melted Down And Sold As Belt Buckles

NEW ORLEANS — “I’m so sorry I have to burn you down to lava goop, but I’ll be proudly wearing you over my loins soon enough, General sir,” saluted local metalsmith, Able Davies, as he planted a drooly smooch on the bronze lips of an undone Robert E. Lee memorial statue. A series of monuments celebrating Confederacy will be removed to focus on foreword thinking, but the ages-honored metal will be melted down and molded into belt buckles for purchase. “I can’t wait to get me one of these flashy penis plaques!” Louie Rose, a man who attempts to sound-out Breitbart articles, told reporters, adding, “This is the best way I can think to honor General Lee all while hiking up my jorts!” The pure bronze belt buckles will feature the face of Robert E. Lee over the Confederate flag with embedded text reading: “The wrong side of history never felt so right.” When reporters asked local progressive and metallurgist, Jaylah Hobbs, if this belt buckle venture bothered her in any capacity, she replied, “Well, from melting down some bronze alloys and breathing the fumes, one can fall very, very ill due to zinc poisoning… so I‘m all for it!”

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