Man Narrowly Escapes Bear Attack, Loses Only Entire Torso

Eau Claire, WI — Sheltered outdoorsman and Wisconsin native Dale Fervor endured a violent black bear attack that nearly took his life, but — by some divine miracle — only cost him his torso. Undoubtedly, life will be an arduous journey for Dale now that he is missing all vital organs, but his sunny disposition will allow him to enjoy his remaining years. A team of doctors that examined Fervor post-attack are astonished at the miraculous phenomenon, reports note, as the lead medical examiner stated, “[doctors] don’t attribute anything to miracles… but we knew this was a special case as soon as they delivered Dale’s pile of still-living limbs via UPS.” Against all medical science, he is very much alive, despite having almost no blood and no heart to beat. Dale has been surrounded by news reporters, publishing companies, and Hollywood agents while they attempt to pitch contracts for movie and book deals based on his story. Dale, less than enthused with the media spotlight, has stubbornly ignored every pitch. Curative professionals assert he is choosing not to speak with agents because he is the silent badass type, plus his mouth was undelivered.


DISCLAIMER: This post is satire and was written for comedic purposes only. It may or may not use actual business names, in semi-real or mainly fictitious ways. This article is fiction, and undoubtedly fake news/content and if you are inclined to believe otherwise, leave now and do not turn back. Any likeness to truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to businesses shown, in which case they are based on real businesses, but still rooted virtually entirely in fiction. This article is completely unaffiliated with any other satirical news source, regardless of likeness.

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