Studies Show America Is A Nation Of Couch Potatoes; Americans Protest Couches

EVERYWHERE, USA — After successfully wrangling in a TV table tray with a lasso created from linked shoe laces, Sean Coffey, a perfectly capable guy, explained to reporters, “my couch is just so goddamn comfortable, I can’t leave it. I recognize it’s a problem and that’s why we need to start protesting furniture companies—once I feel like getting up.” Mayo Clinic connected sensors to 2,600 obese folk to study amounts of vigorous physical exertion; the study yielded an average of 11 seconds per day — most of which were tantrums induced by a spouse or child asking them to “come here real quick.” Furniture manufacturers have been in the hot seat as of late, being labeled enablers and perpetuators of American sloth. “Couch tech has evolved to sickening levels, with integrated refrigerators and massage capabilities,” argued furniture critic, Sheri Church, adding, “couches are as dangerous as crack and heroine, and they’re killing us. Furniture is killing us.” Furniture suppliers have offered a solution in form of additional couch technology: exercise components. Protestors hated this idea, but offered a counter-solution: automated liposuction.

“I would take sitting and doing nothing to standing and fucking any day.” — King of Comedy, Louis CK

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