Trap Drawers


Trap Drawers spearheaded a new streamline skivvies market! You are wasting time, energy, and laundry space by inefficiently changing your entire garment of underwear everyday! Instead, invest in an alternative that only makes you change the most noxious area with the highest concentration of gook!


Adam & Eve are at fault for our innate wrongness. They rashly accepted an apple from a serpent and ended up plaguing humans with a capacity for knowledge. We live sinfully, in much need of cleansing (and punishment, Father). Our sinful nature creates a wicked, messy soul that runneth over and into our trash-heaped environment, and we dedicate an absurd amount of time trying to clean it up. Our process is viciously inefficient but at least we love our jobs and the economy is moving like intestines pumped full of Activia-laced, prune-infused laxatives.

“We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.”

- Virginia Satir, ‘Peoplemaker’ and compulsive hugger

A few years after Adam & Eve ruined us, we stumbled into the American Industrial Revolution where our aim became mass productivity. Inventors reached for efficiency: Eli Whitney created the Cotton Gin to quickly separate seeds from that dank, sticky cotton. Alexander Bell invented the telephone so we didn’t have to interface with slow and disgusting pigeons. And most apropos of efficiency was Henry Ford’s design of the modern assembly line. Ford also blessed us with the 5-day work week, but before you applaud the man, know that he only granted us weekends because people didn’t have enough time off to shop. Meaning, he only let you off work so you had time to exchange that paycheck he signed for the rickety vehicle you just bolted up — sneaky, sneaky.

These inventors are dead, but their legacies live on in the pursuit of productivity. Being the “work-smart-not-hard” bunch we’ve evolved into, we rely on cutting corners (e.g. eliminating the amount of work required instead of working harder): liposuction to hack abs, Adderall to hack college, Tinder to hack casual ciotus (e.g. “love”). Good start, but we can certainly expand and optimize further.

We spend 1.4 years of our lives grooming, unless you wholly neglect hygiene (like Germans). True efficiency means reducing time spent performing unyielding self-upkeep, like showers and teeth-brushing. Imagine how much more you could get done in a day if you didn’t have any skin to wash or teeth to brush? Unfortunately, you have skin and teeth, plus a fleshy mess of nakedness to conceal with clothing — again, because Adam & Eve totally fucked us over with that snake apple.

Changing attire every day is redundant. Redundancy is inefficient. My team and I have been brain-slaving away to shave seconds off your daily routine. We have streamlined your wardrobing process while maintaining utter practicality and cleanliness with a revolutionary, new underwear. You never have to take your legs out, saving you time and saving you from the taxing process of underwear removal. Now, you can simply and efficiently change only the portion of your underwear that desperately needs changed!

Meet Trap Drawers!


Trap drawers are faultlessly designed with a nifty trap door for your back door! Reusable, machine-washable patches catch the mess of creeping seepage often referred to as “swamp ass!” Trap Drawers are great for quick fixes in public restrooms and perfect for the accident prone: toddlers that are new to big-kid undies and loose-booty senior citizens!


Before and After application of ass-patch!

With Trap Drawers, you need only one pair of assless underwear adhered with our patented ‘velcro’ seam! Atop the velcro sticks a complimentary ass-patch to protect your intergluteal cleft! Days — or even weeks — later, when you notice a stench and a squish, simply peel off the ass-patch and replace with a fresh one! No need to shower!


Trap Drawers come in a variety of fashionable patterns and color schemes. Our most popular options include:


“I love Trap Drawers! They streamline life! Now, I toss a new ass-patch on each Sunday and go about my week! Not to mention, when I have to go numero dos, I just peel the patch off and let it thread right through the booty window!”

- Bully Nelson, Amateur Efficiency Expert

“Trap Drawers are the latest in lifestyle fashion! We are currently trying to cut a deal with this start-up for similar trap door attire ideas for bras of breastfeeding mothers and condoms for those who secretly want to conceive.”

- Tara Von, Connoisseur of Fashion & Fine Hams

“I’m an avid fan of Trap Drawers! They have the coolest designs! I almost have the whole collection of squares! And I didn’t even buy them! All you have to do is look in bathroom garbage cans!”

- Jed Filcher, Unemployed Restroom Attendant


Please keep in mind: if you do not replace your underwear for over three months, it will fuse to your body.

Originally published at