Burning questions from my scorching fans.

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Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

Hey y’alls!

It’s Theo again. I’ve been getting a lot of fan-mail, so I thought I’d make some headway on your Q’s with some A’s! For newcomers, a bit about me: I love river stones, writing Dove’s Promises quotes (uh, duh!), and counting my happy days.

Q: “Where do you find your inspiration?” — Becky, Utah

A: Everywhere: in my rose garden, burrowing under the earth with moles, and in my childhood traumas. My mom used to toss me into the dryer and threaten to start it if I didn’t “clean my fuckin’ room.” …


Migration is nigh!

By Jenny Wise & Sam Woods

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Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

The Liberal Agenda has won. Democracy is dead. Our candidate “lost.” SAD! Just like the election American jobs are being STOLEN, your constitutional rights are under attack, and you have several family members named Karen. America is not safe for true Patriots anymore! Now it’s time for a four-year getaway from this nation infected with libs and dems and LIES. LIES!

If you don’t have a private island and/or fallout bunker, follow these simple steps to get packed and out of the country in no time (contributed from various respected Facebook groups.)

1. Choose your destination.

You have…


So, you’ve signed a contract with the Producer, the Lazy One, our tiny King — now what? A little magic.

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(Photo by Dollar Gill on Unsplash)

Blood. Magic.

Don’t fret and don’t be (too) afraid. I know, there are so many kinds of blood, and twice as many spells to navigate — that’s why I’m here!

Am I in need of chicken’s blood? Or lamb’s blood?

Great question! I’m here to guide you through the four blood-types I’ve used to rise-and-shine and grind-and-grind with Blood Magic.

1. Chicken’s Blood — used for exfoliation, a clearer head, and sundering the plans of enemies.

Take care of your future usurper-self. Cut down on morning stress and start the day with freshness. Whether you want to eliminate that morning…


I’m not sure what it is either, but let’s make some money

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Photo by Hunters Race on Unsplash

So, I Googled it and Mesothelioma is cancer. Yuck, right?

I don’t like that word any more than you do, which is why we don’t say it on my Broderick and Kringlerock commercials. Broderick and Kringlerock: No, we’re not Matthew and a Hallmark movie. That’s our motto, cool, right?

Oh, and sorry for hoping you have cancer.

But, since you do have the “C”-word. We might as well make a buck, huh?

Do it for your family. Take it from me — I am a big Family Guy! Well, I watched Full House in the ’90s and I’m basically Uncle…


And one of them tries to get hot-hot with the innkeeper

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(Photo by Ian Gonzalez on Unsplash)

I went undercover as a drop-in player for a local Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) session. I was steered toward this group in particular because of their… unorthodox playstyles.

I was in for a sexy time. But, as with sensuality, the more you try, the less it works.

We started this leg of the quest at an inn…

The Dungeon Master (DM) started, “All right, our heroes wake up at the Charcuterie Board and Baster Inn. We are a little hungover from our carousing the night previous — roll for hangover damage.”

This elicited a moan from the gang. They all…


Using these vocabulary morsels, you can condescend with ease.

An open dictionary.
An open dictionary.
Photo by Pisit Heng on Unsplash

So you want to discombobulate the masses with your prodigious word choice?

Life is all about appearances, and I’m here to help.

Smart-Sounding and Easy-to-Use Words

1. Surreptitious (adj.) — clandestine.

Whoa, okay, off to a rough start; use a word I don’t know to define another word I don’t know? Cool.

Let’s give it a whirl…

Example: “I don’t know about these frozen yogurt flavors; I was hoping for something more — oh, I don’t know — SURREPTITIOUS.”

Easy, right? (right?!)

Can you hear the footfalls of your once friends as they tromp away? I sure can.

When you use these words, make…

Sam Woods

Writer: McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, The Junction, and The Bigger Picture. Based in Los Angeles. samwoods.net

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