So, About Those Wedding Vows…

A year and a bit ago, I gave (if I would say so myself) a pretty great speech during my wedding. It was to my wife, and boy did I put on a great performance. I said all the right words. I shed tears at exactly the right moments. People who were there shed a few tears during my wedding vows, and many came up to me afterwards letting me know that my speech really touched them.

And honestly, I genuinely did mean the things that I said — or at least insomuch as I got caught up in the moment and believed with all my heart that what I was saying was exactly how things would be from that day forward. I would be the perfect husband. I would cook her friends all the wontons. I would give her cuddles every night. Oh man — I made some pretty lofty claims.

And yet, one year later I find myself quite a bit underwhelming as a husband. I get home from work, exhausted and worn down from the challenges of the day, and before I know it, I’m glued to my couch, in my boxers, with belly fat flopping out of my shirt as I start up Netflix. I gained quite a bit of weight since my wedding day — for shame.

Meanwhile, the wife whom I made promises to in front of all of our closest friends and family is trying to engage in conversation with me, trying to connect with me on some common ground, trying to spark a conversation that will bring us a bit closer together. I find myself zoning out. I find myself drifting. I find myself — oh shit…I’m sleeping.

And alas, it is with sadness that I report that words count for shit if you can’t live them out. That the most profound statements carry no weight if actions don’t substantiate them. And my wife teaches me this every single day.

You see, when it was her turn to give her vows, she pulled out all five pages of her hand written speech, and talked about all the hard things. She talked about the real struggles she faces every day to let go of self for the sake of our union. She even proclaimed to all of our friends and family, right before we were about to commit the rest of our lives to each other that she doesn’t even know if I’m “the one” (in that she doesn’t even know if she believes in “the one”). Ouch.

They were very heavy words, and they weren’t your typical vows. She didn’t fill her vows with poetic hyperboles of endless love and happily ever afters. Her vows were filled with the struggles, the very real challenges that giving your life to another person entails. Her vows were filled with honesty.

Marriage is hard, man. Giving yourself to another person while fighting against your selfish desires for the betterment of your union — these are not easy things. Every day, you’re asked to make sacrifices. Saying that a person is the most important thing in your life is easy to say, but living it every day is another thing altogether.

I am honestly so blessed to have Daisy in my life, because I see her live out her commitment to us every single day. I see her put aside her own desires for the sake of my desires. I see her sacrificing her happiness for the sake of my happiness. I see her live out each day the struggle to really give all the best parts of herself to me, to really put this relationship and this marriage first and foremost in her heart and mind — even when it’s hard to do so.

It blows me away.

And so it is, a year and a bit after our wedding day that I want to give this vow thing another shot.

Daisy, I will fall asleep on you at times (even when you’re trying to talk to me about something important), and you’re just going to have to live with this one. I’m getting old.

I won’t be the perfect husband, and unfortunately, we won’t cuddle every night. I probably will gain even more weight at some point (but at least you’ll always have the squiggles). I will probably not cook your friends wontons (or gourmet ramen) whenever they come over. Sorry guys.

I will undoubtedly be selfish at times, and guaranteed — I am going to fail you as a husband, time and time again.

And yet, while I know it’s not going to be easy, I’m committed to trying my best to love and support you like you deserve. I know now more than I did a year ago (and I’m sure I’ll know even more so a year from now) that it’s going to take a lot of intentionality on my part. I have to wake up every day and really live it, not just think it or say it. I know it’s going to cost me.

But I really do want to be a better man and better husband for you. I really do want to sacrifice for you and for our marriage. And I hope that I can live up to both my and your expectations of the type of husband that I know I’m capable of being.

It’s been a year. We have so much more to go through together in life. It’s not going to be easy, and it won’t be happily ever after (everyday).

Still, I hope that many years from now, after we’ve had a few kids and they grow up and have their own kids, and we’re old adorable grandparents (which we will almost undoubtedly be), I can look back on our marriage and say with confidence that I gave you my best shot at being the best husband I could be. That even when it got really, really hard to do so — through pain and discomfort, through tragedy, through loss — that I gave it my best.

And I pray to God that my best is good enough.