A Peculiar Mix
*Disclaimer — there were originally footnotes that came along with this essay but were not translated into Medium.
Studies have shown that the first memories you can recall are from the age of three. Around the age of three, whatever languages you speak have developed enough so that you can process words and are capable to speak. This leads to the question, can we think without language which presents us with words to think? Can you think about things that you don’t have the words for or do you not have these words simply because you don’t think of them and know that you need them? Language plays a very important role to our society. It provides us with an outlet for communication, and some linguists claim that it shapes the way we perceive the world and how we speak. Code-switching falls into, what is now, an everyday form of communicating in specific scenarios and environments.
One of my most prominent memories was from when I was four years old. I had started kindergarten, in a large, bleak two story building in a nice neighbourhood near the centre of Sofia. My mother claims that at the time it was one of the better Bulgarian детски градини (kindergartens) however my father wasn’t as pleased. Growing up, I was raised in a bilingual household — my mother tongue being Български (Bulgarian). When communicating with my father I would be able to understand English perfectly, however I could only respond in Bulgarian because I had not been taught how to properly speak English. I could respond in a few sentences however I simply did not have the words to have conversations solely in English with my father. If I was spoken to, I would respond in Bulgarian which created a barrier between us seeing as my father’s Bulgarian is quite poor. After spending a total of six months in my scary, yet dull децка градина (kindergarten), I was moved to a English-speaking school after being told that I would not need Bulgarian.
From a young age it was drilled into my mind that I wouldn’t need Bulgarian and yet I was also told, “много ясно че ще ти трябва, ти си Българка и живееш в България” (of course you’ll need it, you’re Bulgarian and you live in Bulgaria). Но какво правиж когато осъзнаеш че ти дори не можеш да говориж собствения си изик (What do you do when you realise that you can’t even speak your Mother Tongue)? Аз не съм имала урок по български от пети клас и то си личи (I haven’t had a Bulgarian lesson since the fifth grade and it is quite evident). Due to the fact that I have not had a Bulgarian lesson from fifth grade I find myself not being able to properly express myself in my native language. I often say that English is my native language rather than Bulgarian. There have been times when I force myself to think in Bulgarian rather than English just to see if I still can and to what extent.
With certain classmates and family members, I will code switch quite differently. I’ll start out a sentence in English, switch to Bulgarian half way through, throw in a English word (or possibly even Spanish) and end in either English or Bulgarian due to the fact that I may not know how to phrase a sentence. I find that I do this on a daily basis since a young age, however I didn’t pay much attention to this until a classmate pointed this out to me several years ago. Usually when I code-switch I try and make sure that the person I am code-switching with shares a common language, however in moments of exasperation I may unintentionally code-switch in the wrong language leaving the receiver confused and me frustrated at them and myself. With my Bulgarian friends we often discuss how we have been stripped from our heritage, our ability to speak our own native tongue. Not just grammatically but in certain environments as well. There have been situations where we have been reprimanded on speaking our native tongue even if the situation calls for us to use it. “Алекс казвам ти че вече не мога да горворя с майка ми само на Български защото ми е трудно и се force-вам because I’m forgetting words and translating from English to Bulgarian and my sentences literally make no sense” (Alex I’m telling you that I can’t even speak to my mother solely in Bulgarian because I find it hard and I force myself…).
Even though I would never change how often I code-switch, how I do it, and whom I do it with, I worry that to other Bulgarians I may seem uneducated. I often ask myself how people may interpret me because of my broken Bulgarian — do I seem unintelligent to them? I know quite a few people who don’t even consider me as a Bulgarian due to my dual nationalities and never having been to a Bulgarian school. To some I may be seen as a mutt — a product of two nationalities and unable to speak properly, to others I am a peculiar mix, but to myself I am able to connect in multiple languages with a global perspective.
