8-Year-Old Wins Local 5k

[Raymond, IL] — The John Deere Jaunt, an annual 5k race held in honor of John Deere Farming Equipment, was hosted at the corner of Greenfield and Long Farm Roads, yesterday.

A well-known event throughout the entire community of Raymond (population, 1,006 persons), the John Deere Jaunt hosts the best of the best runners from all of Montgomery County. Local Raymondian, Chris Hogwod, was a favorite this year. Bean famer and self-proclaimed sculptor, Hogwod has been spotted jogging by some Raymond residents before, and was thought by many to be “a runner.”

“I had $6 on that Hogwod, guy,” Quik Stop Gas Station owner, Ralph Harwick, had to say.

“I’ve seen him running before, so I figured he would win,” mentioned another spectator of the event.

At the finish line, however, Chris was passed by Raymond student-athlete, 8-year-old Jeremy Pilon. Pilon finished with a time of 31 minutes and 27 seconds, a John Deere Jaunt record.

When asked about the race, Pilon declined to answer as he rushed to the Port-a-John.

After about thirty minutes, an ambulance arrived on scene, and Pilon was seen getting carted out from the toilet on a stretcher.

Pilon’s mother and proud owner of a “mom van,” Heather Pilon, had this to say:

Jeremy ran a wonderful race today. I think he made the whole town of Raymond proud. And the doctor’s believe he will be O.K. Jeremy has a history of having “the poops.”

As for Hogwod, he has not been seen since the race. One bystander claimed to have seen him at Quik Stop, but others believe he has fled town out of humiliation.

“Did you hear he lost to an 8-year-old?” said a Raymondian, “how embarassing.”

“What a loser,” added another.

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