I Wish I Was Still A Christian

I am driving home and I have this need to listen to an artist I have not listened to in at least 15 years, Chris Rice. Chris Rice is a Christian music artist that wrote some of the best singer song writer songs I can remember from my Christian days. Why did I want to listen to this? Not because I am a Christian, because I am not. It was because at that moment I needed to be inspired or needed a fix that only Christian music gives me. It had been a very bad day and inspiration is what I needed, hope is what I needed and Chris Rice filled that need with this song:

This song has some great lyrics for the Christian out there, but they are very Christian and to be clear I do not believe any of it. That said, I wonder why I go back to Chris Rice and other artists I grew up with. At other points I will have this need to listen to Blindside and especially this song:

Once again very Christian and once again I do not believe any of it, so why do I go back to this stuff when I need be inspired or a pick me up?

When I was listening to Chris Rice I thought about this question and it led to me back to the one thing that religion gave me, a feeling that I am not alone. The at is a feeling that I have only felt when listening Christian songs or being in church and has not be replicated by anything else. It is the same feeling I used to get every single time I hear this song or sang it in church:

or this song by the Newsboys, which was the only song I ever liked by them, but I loved it and still today it gets those feelings going:

Beyond those Christian created feelings, it probably has a little to do with this being the music I listened to as a teenager. What you listened to as a teenager stays with you, but this music is kind of the opposite of who I am today. Then again it is not the opposite of who I am, but a look at who I am at my core. Because at the core of who I am is a person who wants to believe that there is a God out there and wants the feeling that comes with that. Even though I am sure there is no God, my mind enjoys the thought.

I used to be embarrassed by this, I listen to this music when I am a alone and can sing along without having to explain it, but now I am OK with myself listening to it because beyond the Christian themes, the music is also tied to memories that I do not want to ever forget. So if you hear me singing this song:

Do not ask any questions, just move on.