a love letter to my mother

Why it is hard to deal with my mother?

As much as I try to be patient and vulnerable to create an environment of openness, she still makes my blood boil. I’ll never get to talk to her as oneness- emotionally connected human beings that also bear the kinship of mother and son. The walls she had built are thick and tall, heavily fortified with reinforced steel, not even the faintest crease is visible. Beyond her walls of vastness lives a scared little girl, who constantly tries to be appreciated for the selfless deeds that are done abrasively. How does one feel appreciation without experiencing the emotion first? What is sadness if happiness does not exist?

She is very complicated. Conversations are hard with her. Most of them turn into a a chess game where I try to show her with every possible turn to make her see that I love her. Just like the game, there is only limited amount of options before she checkmates me with her perpetual negative thinking; assigning blame, lack of “success”, victimization, and vicious attack on my characters that are untrue are just a few tactics she employs in her war chest. The most implosive one and destructive of all — her cries.

She does not smile often. From all of my dealings with her, I noticed that she lives in a constant state of negativity. At times, she is not possible at expressing positivity that I love so much. Ridicule comes often and abrupt. How do I teach her to feel grateful? That is the war that I am having. But first, I have to break down her walls, which is not a battle that would be won so swiftly. How do I teach her to take care of her emotional well-being that she neglected for many years?

Nonetheless, she is my mother. It is not fair for me or her, if I just gave up. She gave me the greatest gift- my life. Thank you, mom. I choose to love you everyday.