Comparisons lie everywhere. We tend to become enraptured by the fortunes in other people’s lives: new career prospects, a new relationship, a recent graduation, or any other new milestone that we hold high value over. We sometimes let ourselves fall into the belief that we as individuals are not where we should be.
In these moments, especially when we feel we are not at the caliber of our peers, it can be difficult to pinpoint where our success is. What I propose, rather than seeking our successes to compare to others, we seek to value ourselves. But to value ourselves, we must first be gentle with ourselves.
This sounds simple. If we can be gentle with others, how hard can it be to be gentle to oneself?
We tend to be harsher on ourselves due to our expectations. We view success and value from the skewed paradigm of trying to accomplish large goals for ourselves. For example, we cannot just have a job. We must have a job that fulfills us emotionally, makes us a decent amount of money, and has good benefits.
So how does one be gentle to oneself?
1. Care for Your Body
You might be rolling your eyes. “Caring for your body” might evoke images of face masks, massages, warm baths, and yoga. While these practices can be helpful for relaxation, there is still a level of expectation put upon them. We are expected to take steps to relax when we are stressed out. These practices are luxuries and often done sparingly after our stresses have become too much to bear.
What I am proposing is something one can do everyday: recognize that your body is valuable and make every decision a step to care for it. This is not to say that you must exclusively eat salads or work out for two hours a day, but to be aware of the choices you make when you recognize a gap in your body.
For example, if you recognize your body is tired because you have pulled two all nighters, at that point you have a decision to make. You can either keep working on whatever is in front of you or you can choose to rest. The main point is deliberation in choosing to care. It takes effort but is worth your time. And by spending time caring for your body, you learn to be gentle with it because you have learned to value it.
2. Maintain Your Mind
Like your body, your mind also needs maintenance. The level and methods of maintenance are more varied than that of your physical body because some people might have more severe mental health issues or traumas to deal with, which requires serious therapy and support. Regardless, at its most basic level, maintaining your mind involves being aware of its mental state and questioning it.
The best example comes from when you become upset due to an uncontrollable circumstance. Perhaps things aren’t going as you expected and you have become frustrated. Before taking any consequential actions, ask yourself:
why do I feel frustrated?
what is it about this situation that makes me feel frustrated and want to take this action?
what can I do to make this situation better?
Most importantly, when having these thoughts, write out what you are feeling at that moment in time. Because so often, when you look back at the written record of your emotions, you will find that those moments of blind rage or desperation have faded. And when it comes to uncontrollable situations, acknowledge that you have put your effort where you can, and that there is nothing more that can be done.
But we are human and we will make mistakes. We must be forgiving to ourselves during the times we let our emotions get the best of us.
It is okay to feel emotional and irrational. The best way to move forward is to learn from it and hopefully one can eventually move on. Or if necessary after the fact, one can mend a broken bond.
The important thing is to value and be aware of your state of being. From there you can start being gentle on your own thoughts.
3. Sooth Your Soul
The soul is an interesting beast to tackle because unlike your mind or your body, it is abstract. Your soul is what drives you. We often equate it with one thing whether it be religion, career, relationships, or our dreams. But upon zooming out, what drives our souls is as multi faceted as humans are. To sooth your soul, first map out what drives you and what steps you are taking towards reaching those goals.
A helpful example here might be religion. Religion gives people a purpose with guidelines on how to live their lives. Most religions preach kindness and helping others. Ask yourself:
what am I doing to help others?
what more could I be doing?
what is holding me back from achieving this step?
These questions can be asked of anything that drives your soul. For example, in relationships one might ask:
what am I doing to maintain my relationship?
what more could I be doing?
what is holding me back from achieving this step?
When you sooth your soul, you actively take steps towards your goals. This allows you to figure out what you value and then value yourself for those reasons.
4. Prioritize with Writing
This step ties into the first three. Many aspects of maintaining your soul, mind, and body in an effective way require careful documentation. Writing is the best sense making tool that people have created because we have tangible evidence of our thoughts, transactions, and ideas. It can sound daunting but hopefully because you have started thinking about your value in terms of your mind, body, and soul, you can begin to parse out where your priorities lie.
5. Sharpen the Saw
Lastly, keep iterating on your value! I cannot take credit for naming and defining this step (that would go to Steven Covey)but when you feel those seeds of doubt or anxious behavior start to settle in, you step back and figure out what needs to change.
People often become complacent with how things are because taking the effort to change is a lot of work and can be scary. But it does not have to be so drastic. By taking into account your priorities and asking the right questions, you can begin to make small changes towards greater progress.
*6. Listen to Billy Joel’s “Vienna”
This is more of a bonus step but never has a song so perfectly encapsulated the feeling of being stuck in your own ambitions. Its opening lines are a gentle reminder:
“Slow down you crazy child, you’re so ambitious for a juvenile”
The song emphasizes that things take their course and the success we desire so much will come in due time, so in the meantime, all we can do is be gentle with ourselves and find our “Vienna:” a place of inner peace. I would highly recommend listening to it whenever you feel at a loss.
Good luck. You are exactly where you need to be! Cherish the present.
