En route to self-acquaintance:

Me and my journey with bipolar disorder

Sana Ahmed
Aug 27, 2017 · 2 min read

Since the real treatment of my illness began, it is now that I’m regularly able to consciously witness how the progressions are going.

Having the knowledge that the baggage resting in my mind is unprocessed and very susceptible to my illness’s evils, I’m at many times left stranded in the most difficult way possible.

As I make great progress, at the same time, one quick rash decision can bring me way back. Then I begin again. When the process repeats, each new time, it takes a longer hiatus. The positives stick around for more pronounced and lengthier periods.

It’s a hard and painful lesson that is taught. My zen findings say I’ll stop hurting when I’ve healed. The more reason I have, the stronger I become. So it hurts me, my ego, self-respect, that I let that one mistake happen, or a certain kind of mood linger a little longer, all resulting in a boom.

My psychiatrist says I’m moving forward in the journey to self-actualization, if each negative or unproductive moment is shortened. And I’m upset less, and stay angry for shorter periods, or harbour resentment much less than how it was done in the past. I’ve been recommended I should look at the bigger picture, in order to act from reason, to stay within reason, and let the situation just go.

The challenge then becomes how to maintain the aforementioned. As my habits, along with my mind aren’t used to that pattern. And, it does not help that at this transition period, not only is this phase tough to begin with, it requires strength and self-pride (in a good way) to deal with anything worthwhile. I am unlearning my anger. I am undoing my negative pasts.

And according to my psychiatrist, I am undoing the vicious cycles of my past. All done through an almost tortuous process. And, with her help, and other professionals parties helping, I see positive, sustaining, thoughtful change, something which will resonate with more permeance in the next few months.

I am understanding the idea of happiness once again. Self-acceptance and gratitude. I was made into a monster, because my illness had taken control of my mind. Now, I am getting into control. Suffice to say, I am doing ok.

That’s straight for my heart.

)
Sana Ahmed

Written by

Artist/Poet/Writer/MentalHealthAdvocate/ https://www.instagram.com/sanamakesart/

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