This is a hard road of pain, drama and the crippling feeling of helplessness. And we become so drunk on the helplessness we don’t see a way out. We continue the same battle over and over, blaming the abuser, feeling unworthy, angry and unhappy and wanting life to be different. Thinking life will change but not making a different choice. Looking at things outside of us and allowing them to be responsible for our happiness will never bring happiness. Giving those things power over whether we face another shitty day of dodging a fist, crying all night, feeling helpless or inadequate because we didn’t …what? We don’t have to live like this. This is a new thought. We can change this in ourselves.
As a victim of Domestic Violence, the day I changed my thoughts and realized that,
I was worthy of love and that I was Love, was the day I knew that I could never stay….. one more day. I was free from the belief that I deserved less than Love.
My life was threatened, my children’s life threatened but this time was different. This time when my daughters eyes looked at me begging me to do something, as I took another round of abuse, I knew that I was responsible for my life and for the life I brought my children into. For this I was sorry, and knew that if i stayed one more second I was continuing to chose to be a victim. This crossroad demanded my attention and it demanded self love.
Something I had not been taught and I had not known until this moment. At this moment I saw that I could rescue my myself from the burden of self hate(which attracted me to others like me) and choose to love myself. I did not have to live like this. I could choose to no longer be the victim of deserving less than love. I used to wish that he would die and then I would be free. Now I know that I am responsible for my own freedom, just as my children and all children are responsible for our own hearts when we are called to Love. Only I can set myself free. This happens inside ourselves. We have to choose. Not a choice to try and change the abuser. But to change yourself. Love yourself enough to let go of the abuser.
When I left with my children, I left as a person who was free to love herself and free to choose to love. Believing that no person can empower me or disempower me. I stopped being a victim of my circumstances and became responsible for them. I was loved because I was choosing to love myself. I hope my actions gave my children a different picture of what love is suppose to look like, but I truly think this is something we learn within ourselves. I certainly did not want to spend one more day showing my children that the way I had lived so far was how life was, or that love or marriage was suppose to look like ABUSE of any form. Or that we were a victim to an abuser because there were no other options. And hoping for life to change is never an option. To choose love is to take action, and begin life Now.
If I was killed by my husband, I would die as a free person who was worthy of Love. And when I chose to leave, I was not the same person that had stayed in the past dramas. I did not blame him for my leaving. I wasn’t leaving because I was being abused, I was leaving because I was loved. I was leaving because I didn’t have to do that anymore. I chose not to because I loved myself. We do not owe anyone anything…..ever.
I moved out of town and did not look back. I attracted different people into my life because I was different.
Each day I have to look at my choices, see myself and ask myself( no one else) am I choosing to love myself or am I choosing self hate? Am I saying yes or no to love?
I wish I could teach women of Domestic Violence how to start loving themselves and escape the cycle of drama and abuse but I don’t think anyone can teach someone how to let go of self hate(shame) and know that you are loved. It’s just a different perspective of thought and it is a thought that changes life forever. You have to make the change…say yes to love…every day.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ―Eleanor Roosevelt