I connected with my brother this evening for the first time in years. We had an adult conversation. To me, there’s no car or house or enough gold in the world more precious to me than feeling that tangible connection with a man I’d truly lay my life down for. And yet, our conversation. Was cut short by this band of dark clouds hovering over me. These clouds believe I owe them something. Angry clouds. Unforgiving clouds. From a place of reason and love they seem to remain recalcitrant. In denial. Refusing to let bygones be bygones. To let a once sleeping dog lie. No one’s perfect or completely innocent nor sanctified here. Though some of these clouds appear a certain type of way because they ARE. If there’s one person in this world that prays for his past to remain there.. under lock and key, only to be removed for purposeful examination. Growth. Betterment. That doesn’t mean one single shred of me wishes to relive it. Any aspect of it. My own home, my own castle to defend. My own shared community to stand guard over like an unresting, unflagging sentinel. That’s what a home provides me. And a place for my true family to come visit.
During the course of my evening, I came to learn that somebody left a pink and blue pacifier on my mother’s grave…
I can’t begin to express how that makes me feel.
The audacity.
The disrespect.
The perpetual, purposeful desecration of all I value and see holy in this world.
I don’t speak from the shadows.
I speak and communicate directly. From a place of confidence, maturity, surety.
And I’ve come to terms that with some people in this world, that’s asking and expecting too much.
And I want no part of that world.
Certainly not when it comes to love.
My precious mother.
God rest her sweet, perceptive soul.
She watches over me as a guardian angel.
I’ll always remember what I saw the evening she passed.
I don’t speak of it often, because he few people I entrusted the ethereal experience and vision of a tiny, hovering golden angel I witnessed that evening in that cramped apartment was cheapened by the wretched souls whose only interest was in ****ing me.
I don’t need to open my mouth for her to hear me. She’s always with me. Omnipresent. Omniscient. That doesn’t make her a god. And it doesn’t make me crazy. KNOWING that she has never left my side when she departed this world has carried me through the darkest of times.
This evening is one of celebration. Elation.
Unabated joy and gratitude.
And soon, much needed rest.
I won’t allow anything to dampen or rob of me of my joy.
And I beseech everyone not to let others steal your precious joy.
We live in a busy world. Authentic moments come in short-supply far too often these days when we become too absorbed in technology, the pratfalls of society, drugs. You name it. Temptation and pain isn’t hard to find.
I don’t want it.
I stand for those that have been cyber stalked, bullied, harassed, mercilessly and doggedly pursued by hellhounds.
By jealous. Misunderstanding. A refusal to take accountability. I love each of you whom have carried me this far.
I will not let you down.
