Main problems encountered with sudden death
Let’s introduce and share what has been deducted from the first interviews:
Among 20 people, 10 were chosen to become the first participants for this phase of the study: 4 young people between the age of 24 and 28, 4 between the age of 53 and 59 and 1 aging 74. They all had something in common which is the experience of a sudden death, either by losing a parent or a partner.
Throughout the interview, it felt as if they were mostly concerned about answering the questions. The assumption is that all of them had already encountered heavy pains and pressures one faces during such an unexpected event. This brought up interesting insights to consider.
Some of the meet ups lasted 3 hours… The discussion must always offer the opportunity for the individual to have space and time to release everything from buried feelings and memories specially in these kind of contexts where design tools are much appreciated. Such subject have so many details in terms of circumstances, situations, decisions, episodes, feelings to take into consideration. It usually takes time for one to start opening up. So one must not expect to have everything covered since the very first 30 minutes or even the first meeting. Providing special attention and care is crucial to build trust and an openness to meet again.
Before listing the key insights that were drawn, let’s being with the main issues that were discussed among all.
One of the main issues when concerning death is that people ironically behave as if they are eternal until one is forced to face it... This argument is backed up by the Terror Management Theory, originally proposed by three psychologist, that implies:
A basic psychological conflict that results from having desire to live, but realizing that death is inevitable. This conflict produces terror, and this terror is then managed by embracing cultural values or symbolic systems that act to provide life with meaning and value.
The common values they all hold after living such heavy death are meaning to life, communication and planning of death. Before continuing on that thought, let’s reflect on what happened before they all arrived to these major life changing lessons.
When someone is subject to a sudden death, the intensity of choc is severely available, leaving people with incontrollable panic thus with an incapacity to cope consciously with their thoughts, emotions and decisions to a point where life has no meaning anymore:
“I am ready to leave the soonest.” C, 53
“I dont’ want to live anymore.” L,57
Said two widows having a similar reaction towards their own existence.
One common trait that was shown among widows as well was that loosing a husband is like loosing a safe net that got broken after the loss because it includes financial and emotional support, as well as, the most important part of all, a companionship that had an immense presence and a huge role in their lives. They all had routines with their husbands: in the morning, had a cup of coffee brought to bed, on afternoons and weekends do sports and activities together, at night watch special movies such as James Bond. Now that their husband are absent, doing these activities even if alone is crucial for them, because they hold a purpose of remembrance and affinity through them, even though they are aware that part of clinging onto those habits bring nostalgia.
When the family had never discussed about death prior to the incident or if no decision has been made as a prevention or precaution against any of this sort of occurence, these kinds of events produce high intolerance. The emotions that come up, are unable to be carried out and start taking place in the body appearing as physical symptoms, such as lack in iron, skin rashes/eczema or illnesses such as tumors or septicemia (blood poison).Depending on the personality and the context of the person that one will either limit or expand the expression of emotions in all different ways and angles. Some of them felt so bad to talk about it with friends and family not wanting to be a burden or make their lives even harder to handle. To a point where there is a presence of self condemnation: “I would have much preferred to be a robot and not have emotions.”
“We always have excuses not to help ourselves.”
Sometimes all these reactions are due because of a lack in knowledge, experience and guidance.
Which is directly related to the unmet needs of each that are: preparation, understanding, security, support, comprehension of reality, communication, accompaniment, connection and love.
Confronting reality is hard after such a big choc making one overwhelmed with work, family care and all the legal works that still follow after. They are submerged with reality specially when there is no guidance and professional advice made in both the emotional and the technical realm. They are under a lot of pressure and above all they are not capable of doing all of it alone specially that the psychological effect of loss is downgrading their level of presence, productivity and acuteness in the world. Creating a lapse, a gap, an inner void “I need to take care of my mother even though I barely I can take care of myself.”
How can one provide a communication and preparation for death
Working helps one stay active, avoid thinking too much or feeling the pain. It creates a sense of self worthiness. Other optimistic options is to keep up with intellectual and physical activities. But how many do really have the means, time, energy and favored background to procure themselves these kinds of personal well beings?
Even those being considered some have confessed that it nothing can replace the empty space and unresolved feelings: “What is out there does not help, I’m still feeling bad.” “Smiling does not mean that deep down everything is fine.”
There’s a lack of expression, familiarity, preparation and meaning to death.
According to there is a 5 stage of grieving
Until now, 5 of them after 2 years (en moyenne) still feel the pain, and sadness. And this comes from the imbalance in emotional unclarity and confusion that has a direct effect on the quality of behaviors and decisions in reality (named as ‘unplanned’ responsibilities if not taken consciously and clear minded).
Life goes on at a very fast rate and in all directions, if there is no guidance and support when such surprises happen in our lives we really are troubled. Everything is mixed up: obligations, duties, major decisions, daily activities each having stressful and overwhelming emotions with little or no chance for self care and personal wellbeing:
To sum up this part, let’s conclude with what Stephanie Pappas said, a science writer, in her article on how facing our mortality changes our minds and behavior:
“When death hovers at the edge of consciousness people tend to push it down. When death is pondered consciously, people tend to be rational about it.”
How can one really be engaged in a conversation about death to be able to reduce incontrollable panics and heavy decisions that follow right after it happens? If someone had steps and clear guidance to follow, would this actually help?
90% of Lebanese do not own a life insurance, one of the main reasons and issues why, apart from not having familiarity with death, is that people live a day by day principle having so many concerns and financial expenses to deal with that they are barely capable of sufficing themselves for the next day. Meaning that thinking further in the future is most of the time impossible. Not to forget that some, even among big family, are in debt which becomes unbearable to handle specially when the main representative of the family is lost.
Dealing with sudden death is very difficult in such cases, specially if there’s no relative who can help with big decisions, the management of finances, or even by uplifting one emotionally.
To come back to the idea of embracing values to find meaning in life, those people who have encountered all these problems really know the value of responsibility, preparation and communication of death. All of them have the concern not to tire others because they have sensitive to others’ emotions, and have been subject to all kinds of pains and feelings.
There is a urge to speak up and an awareness to plan death.
To be continued…
