The calm before the storm…
I am currently in the lull between chemo sessions five and six. The previous chemo session was the first round of a new type of chemo called Paclitaxel. While it wasn’t as horrific as the first round, but it wasn’t much fun. In fact, it was incredibly painful. My body ached and was sore all over. I couldn’t lie still as the only thing that seemed to make the pain go away was movement. I ended up just sitting on my exercise bike spinning my legs to make the pain go away. The constant pain made sleep pretty much impossible. On Saturday night I ended up hovering around the medicines drawer at home looking for a painkiller to lessen the pain and help me sleep. Neurofen and paracetamol were not cutting the mustard! I found some old codeine tablets and that seemed to help a bit. It felt a bit random as I was popping pills, hoping that something might help!
The pain passed after a couple of days. My oncologist said that he thought it might be nerve damage, so will reduce the dose in my next chemo round. He also planted the seed that if it was too painful, that we could talk about not doing the last one or two rounds, as the cumulative gains from chemo lessen as you do more rounds. Oh my! This was music to my ears! But I feel so torn. I would dearly love to stop early (ideally before Christmas!) and then get on with my life. But what if that last few chemo sessions are the ones that caught a rogue cancer cell, and would have stopped it coming back? Would I ever forgive myself for not seeing it through? I’m trying not to think about it all too much and just see how the next round goes. I am desperate to feel like myself again!
In other news, I have started the process to see whether my cancer has a genetic component to it. There’s a small chance that my cancer may be genetically linked. On my mother’s side of the family, I have an extensive network of relatives who has had breast, ovarian, prostate and bowel cancer between them. On my dad’s side, it’s a better picture, with no known incidence of cancer in my immediate family. However, my great grandmother was Jewish. And I know from 23andme that I have 10% Ashkenazi Jewish heritage (which was new news to me and something I’d love to discover more about). The unfortunate news is that there is a known genetic link to breast cancer for people of this heritage. Why is all this important? Because if my cancer is genetically linked (through the BRCA1 or2 genes, amongst others), then the likelihood of it returning is much higher. For my treatment, it will mean that I will have to consider a double mastectomy and/or having my ovaries out. I need to know this before I start my radiotherapy (after Chemo) in mid/late January, as they won’t go ahead with this if I am to have a mastectomy.
As I write this, it all sounds very scary. But I don’t feel like that right now. I can’t control the results of any of these things. And it doesn’t really change my day to day. Just got to keep living life to its fullest potential, right now. Even if its fullest potential is spending the afternoon on the sofa watching Netflix!
My tiredness is feeling more pronounced this time around. I know that I was told that it would be worse as I get through chemo, but I am really starting to feel it. Plus, I’m getting lazy. My body is now officially middle aged and out of shape, and my muscles are feeling very weak. I miss the feeling of getting up in the morning and having a run or going to the gym. I miss the endorphin high of exercise. I am so looking forward being active and feeling strong again. I’ll have to watch that I don’t end up doing myself an injury by overdoing it (something that in the over enthusiasm, I am likely to do!)
So, things to be grateful for. Work. I know, you’re probably thinking, “what the hell is she on about”? But hear me out. I’ve been gently dipping my toe back into work over the last few weeks, and I have really enjoyed it. Work is such an important part of my life. I love what I do. I love leading people, mentoring and problem solving. The time away from work, perhaps also influenced by the learning and courses I have been doing, have given me real clarity and perspective. I have really enjoyed seeing my colleagues again, even if it has only been on zoom (for the moment). When you go through something as perspective shifting as Chemotherapy, you really do feel grateful for the things you would otherwise take for granted. I feel so inspired for next year, and ambitious for the impact that I can have in the world, using the intellect and my talents. I don’t want to waste another day.
I know this chemo process is changing me. These last few months have been so all encompassing, it’s hard to see how it couldn’t have. I am processing it all day, by day. I know there’s a bigger life lesson here for me, but I don’t feel like I know what it is yet. I still hanker after my old self, and my old life. Yet, I am not sure who I will be at the end of this. I must believe that this experience will bring me to a new place, be something better that gives me the opportunity to put into practice all I have learned, so that I can help others.
In the meantime, I am going to max out the next few days until chemo round six. I look terrible, and I feel average, but I am still here! I want to soak up as much life as I can, while I can.
