A Bitch’s Guide to Forgiveness

No one can hold a grudge longer than me. I’m an Aries with a Scorpio rising, instilled with a righteous sense of right and wrong. It doesn’t take much for me to get pissed and cut you out of my life for good.
But I’m evolving.
There’s an ancient bit of wisdom that’s been passed down from St. Augustine, or the Buddha, Nelson Mandela, Anne Lamott, or someone in AA, that declares: “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.”
Pretty true.
What purpose does resentment serve, anyway? It’s not exactly productive when you think about it. Anger, on the other hand… Anger you can (and sometimes should) spew. You can direct it at the deserving (and sometimes those not). The downside is it’s not always easy to control. Anger is some pretty powerful stuff. It is, as John Lydon so wisely reminded us, an energy.
Resentment is masturbation.
But anger can be exhausting and, usually, once it’s been purged, it diminishes. Sometimes it shifts into relief, sometimes guilt or shame, others into euphoric victory. But, if it hasn’t been properly exorcised, anger can spoil and morph into the putrid swamp of resentment. Resentment is the quicksand of your soul. It can keep you stuck. Pull you down. Smother you slowly. It is murderous masturbation.
Pain can make us crazy. Especially if it’s inflicted by someone we trust — a lover, significant other, parent, friend, colleague or boss. When your heart is broken or trust betrayed, it brings about a form of madness. You want revenge. You want the perpetrator to feel as shitty and small as they made you feel. You want them to know your searing anguish and then some.
Rage comes naturally, and it’s not easy to let go of. It’s a sturdy substance, something you can lean on. Grow addicted to, if we’re being honest. When someone has done you wrong, completely f*cked you over — and the vented anger did little to calm your hurt — holding a grudge, feeling resentful and hating their bloody guts is popularly considered the sane reaction. You are supposed to despise those who are morally corrupt, sinister and downright awful. Damn straight, you are! After all, you are right and they are wrong. Resentment is a badge of honor and you will wear it proudly. Because what else are you supposed to do — forgive them?
Well, yeah.
Now, before you get all pissy and start moaning about weakness and being in the right, think about that bit of wisdom mentioned above. The bile of ire churning in your belly is only burning a hole in you. It holds no power over the asshat who hurt you. It’s pointless when you think about it. About as useful as tits on a bull. The logical thing to do is forgive.
Now, if you think I’m about to get all flowery and talk romantically about the power of forgiveness, you must’ve forgotten the title. Let’s get a few things straight:
Forgiveness isn’t weak. It takes a metric f*ck ton of strength and courage to manage. Forgiveness is not at act of submission. It’s not something you have to deliver personally to the offender with a white rose and deep bow. Forgiveness is a glass of the good stuff you raise to yourself. It is something you deserve. Yes, you are forgiving someone who was a shit, but you are doing it for you. And it takes a badass to the max to pull off such an act.
Here’s the best part:
As a Buddhist (didn’t see that one coming, did you), I believe it was Shakyamuni who the served that sage advice. Because, once you forgive a person, once you stop holding on to the resentment that ties you to your foe, you step out of the way and Karma can take over.
And remember, darling: Karma is a bitch.
Karma doesn’t let much slip by. You may not see the comeuppance walloped on the person who did you dirty, but it will arrive in a splendid fashion, sure to give that jerk what’s deserved. Best part? You don’t have to lift a flipping finger to help. It will all be done for you. You are free to move about the cabin of life while the turd who wronged you is stuck in his stinking seat.
So, what do you have to lose by forgiving?
The biggest hurdle will be your ego. It’s your shield and protector, especially when bruised. It won’t like letting go of resentment. After all, resentment has held your ego steady since the blow. Fortified it, even. And now that you’ve considered forgiving, it’s going to grow stubborn. Fight back. Tell you how silly you are for giving such a villain that kind of satisfaction. Don’t listen to it. Be ballsy and forgive the POS already. Worst case scenario? I’m wrong about all this and all you have to do is go back to resenting everyone, including me.
Forgive and forget? Not on your life.
Forgiveness does not require amnesia. As a matter of fact, I recommend taking ginkgo biloba to keep your mind sharp. You want your wits about you so you don’t end up hurt by the same person or in the same way ever again. You’ve been baptized by fire; you don’t have to take that shit anymore. But, if you do want to forget all about it, go for it. Once forgiveness is bestowed, you don’t have to revisit the matter. If you do find it crossing your mind, you’ll likely yawn because you’re so totally over it.
Forgiveness does not require you to let that person back into your life. It’s not amnesty. You can forgive someone and still be all Bye, Felicia. How you move forward is your choice, but there are no requirements to give the offender a free pass, have them over for dinner and become besties. Forgiving someone in no way let’s them off the hook. It only serves to set you free.
Which is why you should forgive.
So, why not give it a shot? Best case scenario? You forgive, feel f*cking amazing(er) and wonder why the hell you didn’t do it sooner. Because, once you release that resentment, you will feel lighter. You will be able to breathe deep again. It’s utter liberation. With the poison purged, you can focus on yourself, the people you really love, and living the goddamn good life.
Amen.
