I am a 68 year old woman. This whole sexual part of being a female is extremely complex. I begin with my first consciousness of sex. It is the energy I feel in my genitalia and how mysterious it has always been when it courses through my body, my lower chakras is how I think of it now.
My story about this drive, this body hunger, is deeply tied to shame. My WWII father used my older sisters’ filial love and my mother’s- I don’t know what is going on — for years, until my 7 year old sister confronted her delusion and she had to go upstairs where she discovered my father in sexual consort with my 9 year old sister. My older sister was deeply shamed as she got favors and attention from my father in this sad sexual complicity. And the story of her life and her marriage to a sexual predator and her own childrens’ molestation of each other and on and on….
So much pain and confusion from the clash of culture with the reality of sexual behavior, with this intense procreative drive to life mixed up with a 20th century view of human rights.
I find myself reacting differently from my sister, but still aroused by fantasies of my father coming to me for sex, masterbating with intense orgasmic climax with an anal sex fantasy which I, in no way chose to play out as I cannot open myself to anal sex with a loving partner. Yet, the power of the fantasy confuses me and keeps me in shame. I have never shared this with anyone face to face, not even my sisters alive or dead. And my relati0nship to men has been one of intense sexulaity but can’t marry…can’t trust that far.
