I have a complicated relationship with commitment and that stems from my even more complicated relationship with trust. I was telling my therapist that I think I have a secret commitment phobia. She nicely pointed out that it’s not so much a commitment phobia but more of a love of being in control.

I had my therapy session on Monday and I’ve been thinking about that. She says I can commit- but only on my terms. Whew. I wasn’t expecting that. It blew me off a bit but the more I think about it the more I see the truth in it. Apparently I can arrange say a braai and have my friends come over but I would have a problem going to a friend’s braai. Control. My terms. Whew.

I think my issue stems from being let down by someone or people I surrendered my control to. And since then I’ve had problems trusting people with the reins. However I don’t want anything from the past to hold me back from giving myself fully to those I love and love me back.

Even when I still went to church I always had a problem with surrendering everything to God. How could I trust he had my best interests at heart? How can I trust that anyone other than myself can have my best interests at heart? I’m really struggling with this as it’s making me think that as much as I love my boyfriend, I may not fully trust he has my best interests at heart. And that just makes me sad. He has my best interests at heart.

I’m challenging myself to open up fully to other people. To trust that someone other than myself can have my best interests at heart. Someone letting me down is not a reflection of everyone else in my life. So I should not retreat to my trust-less cave at the first sign of disappointment. I am surrounded by a lot of people who love me and truly want the best for me.

Can you believe the ONLY reason I don’t want to get married is because I do not want to sign a contract and lose my [false sense of] control? Hahaha I kid you not. This really runs deep. But baby steps. For now I’m just challenging myself to trust those in my corner and trust their intentions and also be true to them in return.

Whew. Wish me luck!

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