Plans don’t really work so well. Especially when they’re mixed and match with expectations. Sorry Michaela. I know how much it sucks.
How should I put this… what’s your deepest desire in your relationship? Is it to find the person that makes you happy (permanent solution to the uncertainty of life)? Or make that person happy (hoping to be validated by providing a permanent solution to someone else’s uncertainty of life)?
Or is it to truly and deeply understand and accept that person, flaws and all, truthfully and without expectations of any kind (and thus accepting and embracing that uncertainty, pain included)?
What is it that makes those men in particular stand out to you above all else? What do you need to accept about yourself, since it’s you being attracted to those men?
Hope you figure something out.
(And no, when a man’s head turns, it’s because you’re attractive. If you want it to be about your soul, then accept the fact that baring your soul results in PRECISELY that which you’re conflicted about. It’s the most intimate thing. And you can’t force intimacy.
Which is as it should be, and would probably be no reason to suffer about, if you were willing to accept the fact that baring your soul will not, can not and should not automatically solve all of life’s problems, bring you ‘the one’, and remove uncertainty from life).
Why is it that you seek this connection? What do you feel missing inside, that the rejection would hurt so much? I hope you find the answer to these questions.
Best wishes to you.