New Year! New ME!
2017 was exhausting…..that jackass that calls himself president caused a lot of stress, anger, worry and heartache in my life; the studio had one of the worst years it’s had since opening which also caused a lot of stress and heartache for months on end. There was one good thing……I decided it was time to tear down the walls that surrounded my heart and let someone in. It was scary, and fun, and so worth all the work I put into it. So, while I can’t say 2017 was the worst because I did have an amazing thing happen in my life last year, I can say I’m ready to put it behind me.
I learned a big lesson in 2017. Twice during the year I had two people that were important players in my life say something to me that really knocked me down. In the thick of the darkness of possibly having to close the studio I had someone suggest to me I should get a full time job again and ‘just do both.’ Ha! That same person had a full time job and was teaching a couple of yoga classes but had recently expressed that she was at maximum capacity yet thought nothing of suggesting to a single mom, entrepreneur to go ahead and on top of everything else get a full time job to make ends meet. A few months later, I felt burnt out, and tired and wanted a weekend day off; you know, after all these years of not having a weekend day off, I wanted to have a day off that everybody else in my life has off (my kiddo most importantly). I’ve earned it, I thought. Again, someone near and dear to me reminded me that Tuesday was my day off and made me feel like wanting a Sunday off was being selfish. And I’m pretty sure that same person would never be okay with working 6–7 days a week for years on end without having a day or two off.
Here’s the thing about me: I work really hard, I’m not afraid to put in the work if I think it’s going to get me to where I want to be. I hold myself to extremely high expectations and standards. I’m constantly beating myself up and making myself feel guilty if I’m not pushing myself as hard as I can. I do not need people in my life to come down harder on me than I am on myself. But what really bothered me about both of these conversations is that neither of those people would do the things they were suggesting to me to do. It’s because of my strong work ethic, because I put forth every effort I have without ever really complaining or whining; basically I make it look easy so why wouldn’t people suggest I work even harder.
For the past five and a half years I have put my business and my work ahead of everything in my life; in front of my child at times, and ALWAYS before myself. And because of this it’s what’s expected of me. Well 2018 is a new year and this is ending. It was those two comments that made me realize that people expect more of me sometimes than they expect of themselves. NO MORE!!
You know what I did on January 1st? I took the day off. You should know, that it took a lot of convincing from people in my life that it was okay to do. It’s what I wanted yet for some reason I just couldn’t commit to it. I felt guilty not being at the studio teaching. Luckily I was surrounded by some beautiful beings that convinced me that I HAD to take the day off. So I did. I didn’t wear yoga pants, I didn’t teach my annual New Year New Beginnings Class. I actually slept in, then spent the day with my boyfriend, my child with my boyfriend’s family. I ate way too many sweets but I laughed and smiled a lot. I felt relaxed and my heart felt happy and fulfilled. That’s how I started the year and that’s how I intend on spending my new year — putting myself and my child and loved ones first.
I’m hoping to accomplish a few things by sharing this. One, I hope that by writing this I can finally let go of what felt like very hurtful conversations at the time. I am putting this in writing and sharing it out loud so that I can commit to this intention for 2018. I want people to read this and think before you offer “advice” to others. Remember that most of us are our own worst enemy and we don’t need people in our lives to come down harder on us than we already do on ourselves. We need people in our lives to lift us up. I know that the intention of both of those people was never to be malicious or hurtful, they thought they were helping. But suggesting to someone to do something that you yourself wouldn’t do is bullshit!! When someone is in a dark place or going through something or trying to make a decision, perhaps, keeping your mouth shut and just offering support is what’s best not offering suggestions or ways you think would solve the problem. I guarantee you the person has gone through every solution and scenario and would just prefer a hug! Suggesting to someone that is already working hard to work harder is definitely not what that person is looking for, and if you haven’t been in their shoes, if you’re not walking their path then what the fuck do you really know anyway!?