Contemporary Essays: Confronting race & my heart

I haven’t been writing for publications for a while now for multiple reasons. One of the most important being that in the age of change and a political landscape that is shifting towards a more hostile environment, I found myself not being able to create any constructive content.

By now, I think most of us can agree that black face is wrong, that police brutality is wrong and that Donald Trump is racist. I do not want to elaborate and discuss this anymore, purely out of self-care.

Therefore; consider this the advanced class.

Like many of us, I had my heart broken, I had my heart healed only for it to be smashed again later. I left many relationships feeling as if I was in an emotional deficit and found myself reaching out towards all the wrong people to make a deposit.

They say that you tend to date people that you find yourself surrounded with. In light of that, I find myself regularly dating mostly white, higher educated, upper-middle class men. I think it is safe to say that most men I have been with never dated a dark skinned black women before. Therefore, in my quest to be seen and to be understood, I always felt required to explain my experience in contemporary society. It meant that I needed to explain what it meant to me to be a woman and more specifically, a black woman.

Especially since, one could argue in terms of face value social standing, that white men and black women are at the opposite ends of the spectrum. Good intentions can be overruled by a need to be heard. In my experience conversations or rather discussions about this have turned into intense and seldom rewarding clashes.

The beautiful Maya Angelou said that: “A wise woman wishes to be no one’s enemy; a wise woman refuses to be anyone’s victim.”

In this essay I will explore my thoughts and feelings regarding inter-racial dating, what it means to be pro-black for me and if this could be fundamentally at odds with inter-racial relationships. In addition, I will examine some of the arguments one could make for abstaining from inter-racial dating and could a factor be that one is willing to emulate what white patriarchy looks like if one aspires to date outside of its race?

I’d lie if I’d say that I have never found myself used as object of a guy’s fetish. Or that I’d was never hit with the line ‘ I don’t date dark-skinned women’ and cried afterwards.

As a black person you constantly navigate in spaces created by white people and their standards; we are able to recognise that and assimilate to it often times.
It would thus be unfair to downplay the effects of societal influence, or to pretend that we don’t gravitate towards individuals in a biased way.
Bias influenced by white supremacy, beauty politics and the images that have been fed to us from a young age.
None of us are immune and it takes a damn long time to be able to recognise these systems, to find your humanity and then start the journey of dismantling those systems you’ve been ingrained with, so deeply.

Thus, in regards to inter-racial relationships, I am not disputing the notion that there are interracial relationships and two individuals fall in love with each other whereby one just happens to be of a different complexion.
What I am saying is, that I hold the unpopular believe that, it’s just not the majority of them.

However, there is no social conviction since, there is lots to be said for the need of human validation. With this, I am referring to the innate desire of humans to have a witness to their lives. Consequently, in the quest for such one could consciously or unconsciously subscribe to white supremacy and white patriarchal standards.

In addition, I am also annoyingly aware that my possible future white or non-black partner and I will never exist in a vacuum. That even when we are able to meet each other; what if we encounter racist friends, family and so forth? Will I still be able to be vocal about my blackness?

I am not saying I don’t have my hopes of making it to a post-racial society where black lives really matter. However, I’d be foolish to think that I would be able to transcend my race and live my life ‘ where I do not care for colour’.

Like JAYZ said in ‘the Story of O.J. Simpson’:

“Light nigga, dark nigga, faux nigga, real nigga , rich nigga, poor nigga, house nigga, field nigga;

Still nigga, still nigga..

I am not the first and probably not the last person to write about the challenges of inter-racial dating and especially if one considers itself to be ‘pro-black’.

I suppose, when defining the term pro-black it varies from person to person. However, I subscribe to the notion that being pro-black in a nutshell means that: I am for the advancement of any type of black person (e.g. : diaspora, continental and/or otherwise) and in addition, I am for dismantling all different systems that oppress them (e.g. : white supremacy, colorism, neo-capitalism, classism, misogyne, hyper masculinity, homophobia etc.)

Since, beside the point made earlier in regards to the difficulty of seeing one another in a inter-racial relationship; there are also valid arguments to be made why one could abstain from inter-racial dating. This concerns very practical ways of advancing social/political and economical prosperity in black communities.
Valid considerations are the creation of black wealth and legacy but also reflecting what black love and success looks like in everyday life.

I am highly conscious that I am now placing so many conditions onto love — even though that same love is supposed to be unconditional.

The question often arises: is being pro-black fundamentally at odds with being in an inter-racial relationship?

The backlash by the public towards public figures such as the actor and activist Jesse Williams, to phenomenal tennis player Serena Williams and even rapper Kendrick Lamar suggests that we can at least conclude that it’s a very sensitive topic when discussed. For different reasons, people express that seeing successful black people dating inter-racially makes them uncomfortable.

Even though, it is definitely not always easy; I try to strongly resist the notion that one cannot be pro-black and participate in an inter-racial relationship. Not because I live as evidence but mostly because by agreeing to the terms and conditions it would prove that the systems that keep us apart in the first place, are still dictating choices in my life today.

Therefore, I must conclude that it comes down to awareness, introspective work and vulnerability. This, whether you consider yourself to be pro black or not. Doing your work- will lessen the changes of you finding yourself in boxes you don’t necessarily belong to.

One must raise awareness around the bigger systems at play which possibly cloud your honest judgement; try to come to terms with being vulnerable when being confronted with new truths; and be able to recognise that being vulnerable goes beyond speaking whatever is on your mind.
Vulnerability means being able to stand and walk in your truth the whole way so that, in the desire for honest validation one can embrace the possibility of rejection and eventually will be able to reconcile the two.

Do your work.

Love,

Sanne-Louise

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Sanne — Louise de Bruin

Written by

📍The Hague, The Netherlands | 23 years old | BA International Studies| Black girl - White space ✨

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