Life is hard and life is beautiful.
No, life is what happens at that moment. Nothing that will happen in the evening, nothing that took place this morning. Nothing that I might feel tomorrow, nothing that yesterday made me feel.
Life is what happens now. What I feel now, how my mind races now, and what my heart understands at this very moment.
As I write this sitting in a comfortable chair with the orange and white striped cushion in my lap that helps me station my laptop in the right angel, tucked in the corner of a place they call a cafe; life is happening to me right now and I call it an overwhelming life. Perplexed life, silent life, identity crisis life, searching for answers life, unaccepting to surrounding life. Life is happening to me and this is how!
They say travel to find your soul. Travel the world to find your purpose. Travel to explore your inner self. Travel to the unknown to know the truth.
But why the heck they don't tell me how?
I hate and love the truth that I feel so much. I am an observational person. I let my emotions submerge in me and make each cell of my body feel it in its entirety.
I hate it coz it separates me from the gang who knows how to ignore this mind & heart chatter and just enjoy.
I love it coz it makes me look beyond what I am doing in life and expedites my search for the truth that lies within my soul.
Both today, I am stuck. And Overwhelmed. And in search of Direction. In Pursuit of the Road that will take me to my Purpose.
Purpose?
What a funny word. Changing each day, in definition and in reality. In mind and in the heart. In willpower and in actions.
I take a moment to look beyond my laptop screen and see the drop-dead gorgeous folks from across the globe walking down the road with their ciggies, smoothies, Gucci, dogs, sports gear, Bible, Gita, and alike. Hand in hand with their partners, walking sticks, singles, in groups. Giggling, excited, silent, in despair. Discussing business ideas, life issues, party plans, trending news, shopping list, and praising the good Lord.
I resonate with none. At this moment, as life is happening to me, I find it all a noise. A chatter I am not interested in. A world I feel misfit in. A race I don't want to run. A life I feel worthless.
They say to be open. Talk to people from different walks of life and gain perspective. Unlearn your identity and find meaning in life.
But why the hell don’t tell me how to not lose yourself in this process?
I am very open to new perspectives and takes on life. God decided to be generous with me and placed me in a place where I am meeting one new person from a new walk of life each day for the last 40 days.
And today I am a seashore hit with a tsunami of perspective.
A killer high tide badly needed for my repair and rebirth, today left my surface decorated with pearls of wisdom, manuscripts of business ideas, a bottle full of life principals, castles of aims and goals, a crossword for happiness matrix, a biodegradable dumb defining success, color palate of love and marriage, a cocktail mix of fun and hustle; Creating a mirage of learnings and experiences.
But, my core can bearly be seen now.
It is enjoying the warmth felt by tsunami residuals touching my soul, it is excited to see what nourishment it brings over time……but it is feeling suffocated and craving to breathe its original texture and flavor, the charm of its existence, and the uniqueness of its soul.
I am certain, it will find that moment to take that one long deep breath, inhaling all the aroma of the tsunami residuals and exhaling the suffocation it brought along.
And then, the reborn shore will shine, and make its way to eternity.
Until then, I stay put and just be. Do nothing and just do what I know how to do better than anyone in this world…… just feel this emotion in its entirety.