They will never know and you will never tell
4 AMs are a pretty good time to watch a table lamp for hours. Most of the world is asleep, some soft music and there is nobody to laugh at my weirdness. I somehow like this quiet killing of time.
I remember when I was a kid, I used to love studying in the candle light. There is something really beautiful about the smell of a candle. Back those days, lighting up a candle made me happier than extinguishing it. Now of course times have changed and I actually don’t remember when was the last time I lit up a candle. Hold on. If you’re reading this, do you remember? I guess most of you don’t. It’s actually funny that as we age, we drift apart from the simple little things that made us happy when we were kids. Life was so simple back then. No pretence offered and no pretence needed.
But we all grow up with the same problem. We do not recall our beginnings and we never understand how we end.
This post is about a simple guy who followed threads all his life that lead him to nowhere. He still wanted to spend his whole life trying hoping, someday, at least one of the autumn leaves will not fall and choose to stay, just for him.
He always met people on crossroads. Beautiful crossroads with ugly choices. It is may be easy for a traveller to make that choice, but he was not one. He just loved walking. He eventually. did. Away from crossroads, people and their choices. They called it walking away and never understood him. He sometimes wished he could go back and tell them the reason of how he hated being a choice, but for some reason he could not. He cared, and cared enough but there is something really frightening about being someone’s choice and not a priority.
But he did like one part of all his quiet exits. He came nameless in their lives and when he walked away, they still didn’t know who he was.
How often we let ourselves drift away from other people’s lives just because we cannot tell them certain things. Not because we are afraid to care or love, just because we are scared to not mess it up and watch all the care and love unabashedly ignored and fall all over the place.
We chase choices until we become one and right there all the trouble begins. Some stay, with their masks on, while some of us choose to leave, with our “no questions asked, no answers given” kind of memories.
But they will never know because we never tell them.
The guy I mentioned above still continues to walk, with pieces of his heart that no longer fit together. He still continues to walk because being another brick on the wall is such a hopeless place to be in. He has made peace with his exits. He still watches people stay and pass by. He still watches himself being a choice to some.
Actually, knowing your exits well is a gift. Why cling on to people in broken parts and try and make a life out of it.
Trust me, if you have packed your suitcases right, sometimes the world actually looks better as a stranger.