Why ‘Because I said so’ works in Parenting
And other reasons why our parents ARE the best ‘how to’ teachers.
In 2008, I was surprised that reading ‘parenting’ books were a thing. Mind you, its not like I am talking about the 70s. This was just 5 years back. But still, I probably had not read a book to ‘help’ me with anything outside of coursework. Granted, a whole lot of it was just me. I did not see the point in reading a book that was not fiction. I doubt I would have read a book for most milestone ‘big’ decisions in life—dating, marriage or heaven forbid ‘how to keep my venus alive’. But parenting in particular, did not seem to make any sense. You ARE the end-product! So whatever your parents did either worked or not. Either way, you have the ‘how to’ book already in your past.
So along came the kids and i la-dee-dahed my way into parenting based solely on the guidance of my crowdsourced questions to moms groups and a sense of ‘it doesnt really matter. They will grow up to be whatever inspite of me’.
But honestly? 5 years into this (its not really any experience yet) i know that i will never pick up a parenting book (famous last words?). Not because i am supremely confident but because you will NEVER know if you messed up being a parent. And well, if after 25 years you realize that inspite of all your parenting book clubs and 500 books and 32 seminars on parenting, your kid still turned out to be a real pain, you are gonna feel rather stupid and broke.
So what did I see my parents do that I will absolutely want to replicate?
- Parents morph into friends only after the child turns 18 (and calls sobbing from a strange city). Till then, its mom and dad to you missy. See, they are not your friends (its your job to find and keep your own friends). They are not your buddies (because then that would be mean they gotta disapprove themselves). They are parents. Their job is basically to ensure a well-mannered, kind and good kid is unleashed into the world and that nothing comes back to bite them. I think thats fair. They made me scared of disappointing those I love—that, my friend, is a lesson worth learning. It basically means, take nothing for granted (as in, yes i love you and i will come to school to bail you but when back home you will apologize and do every errand without a single complaint). And the best kept secret, they will never let you in on the fact that they WILL be your best friends when you really, really need to talk to someone.
- Teach you that overcoming boredom is your own damn problem. Much as I keep thinking this is because the generations were different, the principle is the same. Spending tons of money on ‘extra-curricular’ activities might make one feel like they are creating a well-rounded kid who can karate chop while doing calculus. But the bottom line is, if you are too bored after school, it HAS to be your own problem to solve. I know my kids wont be exactly making Monopoly cards out of my dad’s old business cards for lack of resources. But if i hear them squeal with delight sledding down the steps in an Amazon box over weekends instead of being ripped apart into three separate activities, I feel much prouder than if they were to score pretend ‘everyone is a winner’ certificate at Tennis.
- I will abandon them periodically. Because I am not at their beck-and-call just because I gave birth. It might not be with neighbors or random aunts. But I need my time to be a better parent. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, both ways.
- Everything in moderation. Late night TV, movies, junk food and a bit of God talk from grandparents is fine. I want my children to know all of this exists—and that there are consequences and pepto-bismol for going over the ‘moderation’ rule.
- Strangers are not evil. I cannot understand this at all. We live in a world where we are basically teaching our kids to be constantly fearful of every stranger on the street and yet we trust strangers online will protect our identities and personal details. Not because I come from a place where I had to travel miles by two forms of public transport in 4th grade all by myself (and my parents wouldnt know i was safe until i returned at 5 PM). But because I have seen lovely, friendly people around the city who are simply happy to help. I would hate to point to them and call them ‘strangers to fear’ when i walk around with my kids.
I guess what i truly hope for is that we stop deluding ourselves into thinking we need to be better than our own parents. Your entire childhood is a lesson in parenting—remember it and use it.
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