What I Learned from Reading My Old Diaries
I have been writing diaries for more than 10 years. Probably this is my most continuous hobby, and I am very grateful to my little self who once started this writing journey. These 10 years of self-reflexions on paper gave me quite a big collection of my diaries which I like re-reading from time to time as some good series of novels.
When I was reading my diaries last time, I understood how many things they can still teach me. It felt like the realisation that for 10 years, I’ve been creating a guidebook for myself which I can now use for support during difficult times. A beautiful paradox of this process is that I was usually writing a diary while feeling frustrated and lost and yet now the same notes make me feel calmer and happier. Even in chaotic emotional texts, there was so much wisdom.
I want to accompany the journeys to my memories with the artworks of Marc Chagall, an artist who reminds me of my childhood.
1. With time, all emotions and stories will find a place in your heart
“And whatever happens in the future, that moment in the park will stay with you forever”
That was a short note I made after one happy day with a significant person I loved. I wanted to capture a particular moment full of happiness and gratefulness. A lot of time has passed, and we are no longer in each other’s lives. But this moment indeed stayed with me. And I was able to preserve it in the capsule of that happiness, despite the negative experiences that followed it. I am not going to lie and say this happiness does not have a bittersweet taste. But perhaps it is exactly how it should feel, it is exactly the experience I need to have in my collection. It feels that time should have passed so this story, as a piece of the puzzle, would find the right place in my heart and become a part of me. The part which I was able to make peace with.
2. Forever in love with this life
“The fear, such a big fear… But I think I am bigger than it. I am larger! So it can’t kill me. I love this life and I am choosing it. I find the strength inside exactly because I am so in love with my life. It can be difficult but it is also a wonderful life”
These lines remind me that I am a romantic. And perhaps that’s my power. Behind every emotion I experience and every fear or anxiety I deal with, I feel love towards my life. Not necessarily for something. It is especially difficult to “focus on positive things you have” when sometimes you also have a lot of negative things, shall we say. But simply feeling somewhere deep inside that no matter what I love living and I choose to do it supports me a lot.
3. You’ll be happy again. And then once again
“And I want to write it down: in that moment, I was happy. And I knew that despite everything I will always come back to this feeling”
I try to come to this thought every time I experience difficulties or get into a frustrating phase of life which happens to me from time to time. It’s naive and perhaps too optimistic but I just try to think logically: no matter what happened to me in the past and how difficult some episodes of my life were, I always got a chance to experience happiness again. In different forms, in other circumstances, after some time, but I always did it.
4. They are just not your people
“Under her look full of rationality I felt ridiculous, too emotional, too optimistic, and in general somewhere in the clouds. In addition, she hates our city but I love it. My soul feels good here (I wonder what would be her reaction if I said something like that to her!)
I wrote these lines when I was sharing an apartment with a friend of mine and started experiencing discomfort. It was difficult for me to understand why — she was a perfect flatmate with good habits, and I could rely on her. But we were strongly disconnected on an emotional level. And that was a good lesson for me: if you are a sensitive person, there will be things like emotional connection without which you will experience huge discomfort. Having my people around feels like a blessing and I am not going to forget about its importance for me again.
5. Notice your shivers
“When do I feel that my energy is with me? Well, when I am going on such dates with myself, for example. Or when I go to Italian classes”
I can say I am a lucky person as a lot of things in life give me pleasure. I think partially it is so because I was always quite attentive to my “shivers” — the actions and circumstances which would give me a pleasant and sweet feeling of joy, curiosity, and excitement. They are the moments which make me dream or feel in the flow, or that I am in the right place and I feel that these things are exactly what I want to experience now. When I think about my favourite things like my hobbies, my studies, and my projects, there is one thing that unites them — I feel that my energy is with me and I become happier.
