The Power of Letting Go

Dear Andy,

I’ve been having some anxiety lately. I’ve always been an anxious person, but becoming a mother gave me the need to label anxiety “anxiety” and to recognize the symptoms and allow myself to move through it. Today was your first day at daycare. It was hard to drop you off and plan for you to be away from me all day. We haven’t spent that much time apart since you were born. I remember when the nurse in the hospital asked me if we wanted to put you in the nursery overnight so I could get some rest. I felt so so guilty but my blood pressure was high and the nurse suggested I sleep. It helped, but I hated being away from you. Your dad and I are planning a trip away without you and I’m feeling those feelings again. It’s not that I don’t trust your Nana to take care of you, it’s just that I have a hard time letting go. Even packing for your daycare today made me tear up a bit. You see, I’ve always been a person who needs to be in control, and becoming a parent has enlightened me to the truth that I am actually not in control. The struggle, as I’m sure you can imagine, is real. Every day I fight a battle knowing full well there’s very little I control. Your safety and well being are in my hands, and yet there will be circumstances I cannot foresee or change. I have to learn to move through this fear and let go.

The first time you taught me this lesson was when you were born. I had spent months meticulously planning how you’d be born and how I’d perform the strong role of earth mother, birthing you the “natural way”. You were having none of that. When my water broke the clock counted down to a hospital birth. 48 excruciating hours later, you still weren’t into the idea of making an entrance, and the doctor suggested we have a c-section. Now, after two days of this nonsense and realizing what ACTUAL pain was like for the first time in my life, I was ready to surrender. I remember not feeling sad or scared the moment before surgery. They told me you were showing signs of distress, and that in order for you to be safe we should cut you out. It wasn’t yet urgent, so the doctor left it up to me to decide. And so, as one of my first brave acts as a mother, I let go. I trusted the doctors and you and God, and I let go of the need for control. I remember when they put the oxygen mask on my face the room felt a bit tense, so I made a joke. In the movie The Dark Knight Rises, the villain, Bane, wears a mask over his mouth and nose that muddles his speech. At one point, he looks at a man he’s about to throw off a plane and says “Now is not the time for fear.” I looked at your nervous and exhausted father and I uttered those words as they wheeled me into the O.R. He laughed. It felt good in this high stakes moment to make your father laugh. It is one of my favorite activities. They cut you out. I could feel all of it, although there was no pain. And when it was over, there was a perfectly healthy baby, safe on the outside, roaring with power. All because I’d had the courage to let go.

This month marks the start of school for kindergarteners and college students alike. Parents all over the world shed tears, as their children embark on new adventures. You won’t understand the complexity of these feelings until you are a parent. There is pride, and fear, and so much sorrow. Watching your children grow and letting them try new things away from you is painful and necessary. Andy, many things in this life are painful and necessary. You will know in these moments that you have a choice to hold on or let go. Some days will require you to have the energy of an archer with a tightly drawn bow, aimed carefully and ready to strike. This requires much courage. Then there will be days that require the energy of an opened fist, yielding and welcoming the unknown. This requires MORE courage. Remember these words, letting go is an action that requires bravery. Let your tears flow, let your heart open, and walk bravely into the unknown, when it is necessary. And it will be. Often. Think of me and your entrance into this world, a beautiful moment where you taught me my greatest lesson and roared into existence. Creation itself is simply the destruction of something else. When we created you, we destroyed so much of ourselves. The most of which was the illusion that we are capable of less than we are. Thank you for coming into our lives and making us understand what we’re made of.

Yours in power,

Mom

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Sara Alvarez Kleinsmith

mother, writer, movement teacher

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