How I will fall in love again
I'm 23 years old, and truth be told, I don't know how many times I've been in love. I liked some guys very intensely and felt my world spin when I was with them. Felt those famous butterflies, and the rush you get when you see them coming your way. I felt a lot of times, that scary feeling of not being enough, or not feeling pretty or good or sweet or being too much of something. I had a lot of failures as a girlfriend. A truckload of pain, (who hasn't right?), and I cried my nights away feeling hurt and hating myself and sometimes hating them for making me hate myself, and all those feelings we get when we have a breakup or a heartbreak.
It was never any different for me. I just allowed myself to feel things more. I am way sensitive, and falling for someone isn't exactly hard for me. I am way too positive and accepting, and so, I could see so many flaws and just kind of accept them and 'forgive' them when they hurt me or something. Being that good person got my ass kicked a lot of times, boys can be such mean creatures. I felt used and hurt and like I wasn't worth anything. Then one day I met a guy and he seemed great. I immediately liked him because he was a lot of the things I was looking for: funny, tall (I'm pretty tall myself), confident, hard working and had this really good energy around him. We had it all, but that just made it a great fall. Funny, but yeah. It was hard on me, because well, it was so PERFECT! Right? How can something so perfect go wrong?
My heart was again shattered, and I felt all those creepy heart-broken emotions. Yeah yeah, I thought we had this really great thing going and like, hey, this is it you know? It doesn't get much better than this. Anyway, he had other plans, he continuous to be a great guy, I don't think it is a problem with me or him, it just didn't work, maybe even timing, call it what you like. And for some time, I told myself I was done feeling this stuff. I know I'm young and the world can cry with my next phrase but, I really wanted to be married sooner than later. I wanted to live that experience not so late into my adulthood. I want to have kids and make a happy family, once again, sooner than later.
All that stuff about learning to love yourself more, being happy alone, enjoying your own company, being self-confident and so on and so forth, I knew I need it, but I hoped someone could love me while I learned it. That process is very difficult, painful at times, and incredibly lonely. I tried to find ways to tell myself I'd be perfect for someone at some point, just the way I was. When the right guy came around, he'd like me that way. Even though I was a little on the wild side. But I learned that I am right about both parts. Yes, when he comes around, the right guy, he'll be willing to handle it all. But Yes, I made that quiet painful decision to fall in love again, but this time with me.
That decision changes things. It means you gotta let go of people, of things, of ideals, of things you believed in. It means I gotta look in the mirror and tell myself I love me. It means that I will spend as much time thinking about me, as I used to about him. It means I gotta stop making excuses for them. Stop saying sorry when it really wasn't my fault, stop lying to myself about myself, stop blaming me, or anyone at all. Stop caring about people that don't care about you, stop answering people that only call you when they need you, it's such a BIG change, a lot of people will quickly notice. They will even call you selfish, rude, say you've changed, and that you're not who you used to be anymore. Yeah, some people are worth living without. If they aren't building you up, and you can't help them up, you gotta let them go.
I made an active decision to change who I am. Those deep roots of who I used to be have to be ripped out and burned. Not because I hate it, or hate myself, exactly the opposite. If I want to love myself, I have to rip out those hateful, hurtful thoughts. You can't love someone you hate. You can't love someone you don't appreciate. Making these changes have been the greatest, hardest love story I could have wanted.
And now I know, eventually, when that perfect guy comes, he will be imperfect, and I'll be imperfect just enough.