Eloquence

sara cole
sara cole
Sep 8, 2018 · 4 min read

You stole my family members. You stole friends. You numbed feelings. You won’t steal me. We all get addicted or attached to something. We may start abusing ourselves by trying to numb everything. We all try something for the first time. A lot of us may feel pressured. If someone ever tries to make you smoke ANYTHING, do drugs, or drink; fuck them. They are spiraling out of control and are not content. There’s a difference from going to the bar to have a few drinks with friends when you grow up, to making it a lifestyle.

Drugs killed some of my uncles. Drugs stole my dad and made him disappear to god knows where. Nicotine gave my family members cancer. Nicotine killed my grandfather and my best friends’ grandfather the next day. Alcohol made my step dad smell, cigarettes made his lung collapse. They stole his wife and his life. His and my grandfather’s abuse has now raised the chances of my three little brothers stepping in their such little shoes. I guess it wasn’t the drugs that killed my uncle it was the noose.

You ruined relationships. I never knew it would be so hard for my aunt to find a decent guy. I never knew what it was like to have clean walls behind picture frames. I never knew it was like to not see my mother upset all the time. I never knew it wasn’t normal to find out someone I knew got stabbed to death because someone wanted to get high. I never knew you would steal friends from me. I never knew they would pick you and your numbing ability. I never knew you would ruin their families too and then take them. I never knew almost everyone I fucking wanted or needed could leave me behind because they felt you were better than me. I didn’t know this was a competition to see who would make them feel better.

I didn’t know one day I was going to feel so weak and alone that I turned to you to try and make a home. I didn’t know that for a couple months I would use you and you would numb me. It was dumb of me. You made me so paranoid that I was more worried about you than anything else. You made me not care. You made me want more. You made me feel as if this was as best as I could feel. You made everything smell and my body tickle. Still hurting but getting so tired and lazy, and then so drunk and so crazy. I would just throw up and physically hurt first or just be so up high id just pass out first. I wasted my money. You stole my feelings. You made me numb. You made my anxiety worse. You made everything worse. It made me feel so dumb, and so forgetful. But I guess I understand. I don’t know what stopped you from controlling me. I guess I had felt I already lost everything.

I was about to move about 3,000 miles away. I didn’t want to continue to be like everyone else. I have my mom and my brothers, and some friends that I can look up to that don’t do drugs or drink and love to talk and help. I didn’t want to eventually lose all of that, so I left you behind. I’m proud of myself for it but disappointed I let you control me and waste a couple months of my life. I’m mad at myself for other unhealthy ways and things I was addicted to. I got through it all.

One of my friends stopped doing it all. She got a job and is back in town living normal now. Some of my best friends never let you control them. For that I’m so fucking proud of them. I’m addicted to caring. I’m addicted to sharing. I’m addicted to hearing. I’m addicted to feelings; the good and the bad. You made me lose a lot. You made me hate you. You made me never want to see you. You made me dislike everyone that loves you. You made me learn a lot. Getting over you made me stronger. Made everything in life start getting better. Made me see that my friends will make sure I’m good and would never wander, gave me back a happy mother, and some better chances for my brothers. I got lucky. You weren’t able to make me leave my friends, you didn’t lead me to even worse ends, you didn’t kill me. There’re a few people here I know when I’m lost they can help guide and heal me. I will always remember Mac, you stole him from us. I feel I am truly happy and can say that, “no matter where life takes me you can find me with a smile”. Music will always be here as well. Dear all unhealthy coping methods, drugs, and alcohol I hope soon you die off and go to fucking hell.

I don’t want to see anyone else die, hurt, or cry because of this. Keep fighting, confide in family, friends, and those around you. Stop glorifying drugs and ignoring mental health. People using drugs all the time is not just partying. This shit just passes the pain to someone else. Love harder because you know how it feels to be loved so little. If anyone ever needs help or someone to listen and vent to, I’m always here.

Suicide prevention hotline; 800–273–8255

Substance abuse hotline; 800–662–4357

    sara cole

    Written by

    sara cole

    I suck at writing. But maybe it will somehow help someone. If not you then maybe just me.

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