I’ve just been going through a really tough time lately.
Hey, uh. It’s me. The Moon. Man, I was really hoping you’d pick up.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed — like if you’ve been watching my Insta stories or reading the news — but I’ve been going through a really tough time lately? I was hoping we could chat. You know, gals’ night?
I don’t think I should get into it over your voicemail, maybe I’ll just shoot you a text or call you back or leave you another…
You know what, no. This is serious, Megan. A bunch of TikTok witches put a hex on me.
Let me break down that horrifying sentence for you:
A bunch of (yes, as in an undetermined amount)
TikTok (yes, that app that’s about to be banned but everyone has anyway)
WITCHES (yes, they’re real)
PUT A HEX ON ME (you know what a frickin’ hex is, Megan.)
And of course, while I’m having this crisis, you’re MIA!
As if I don’t have enough on my plate. The tides are a goddamn joke this month and everyone’s been taking their birth control pills at the wrong time so no, nobody’s period is going to come on time, okay?
Plus, things are so bad on Earth that people are threatening to move in with me (you KNOW how I am with roommates.) And last week, someone texted me an article that Trump wants to start mining me for resources? What resources?! I’M THE MOON.
Anyway, yeah, some tween wannabe-goths from TikTok hexed me. And you know it probably wasn’t like the, venerated witches you live in the woods and dance in my moonlight every month. No, no. I’m sure it’s just some ignored suburban 15-year-olds who watched “The Craft” five times in a row and decided they had the power to throw a curse my way.
And like, the fact that it was concocted on TikTok is a special kind of insult. What, did they come up with a little dance with instructions to crush up rosemary and salt in a mortar and pestle? Did they lip sync the spell to each other on their stepdad’s condo balcony before getting yelled at for wearing black matte lipstick? It’s pathetic!
Honestly, what did I ever do to any of them? I am a pacifist, everyone knows this! Plus, I don’t want to make this a gender thing, but like, do you see anyone trying to hex The Sun? No, you don’t. But SURE let’s hex The Moon because her body fluctuates too much and sometimes, she looks freakin’ huge. It’s a bad angle, you scumbags! I’m very close to the Earth!
Ugh, whatever. You’re never going to listen to this anyway, are you? This is one of the most traumatic things to happen to me in the last 50 years, and surprise, surprise! You’re nowhere to be found.
This is so like you. You have not been there for me at all this year. Remember in February when my neighbor’s rover died? You know Opportunity and I were really close. I watched him all the time when Mars needed a break. And still, not a word from you. And when I asked you about it, you were all, “Ohmigosh Moon, there’s a card in the mail! XOXO!”
Well guess what, Megan? I’ve checked the mail every day for the last one hundred and sixty days and yet! There’s no card to be found!
I hope you’re enjoying yourself while I am suffering alone through an emotionally devastating time, Megan. Honestly, have fun. You deserve it.
Call me back when you feel like being a good friend again, I guess. Or maybe you’ll give me a ring when you realize I’m the reason your period is three months late. XOXO!!!