Things I Miss Yelling at My TV During The Bachelor

A pool party? Groundbreaking

God, I hate this show.

You’re gonna need a more tragic backstory than that to make it to the Final Four.

See her smile? She’s going home week one.

Oh, you’ve been hurt before but you’re ready to fall in love again? Talk to me at the finale, I can’t wait to watch you choke.

Tyler, you look like the kind of guy who would bully me in gym class and I hold that against you.

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This was the last time I felt joy.

A pool party? Groundbreaking.

The first woman to say someone isn’t there for the right reasons GOES HOME, Sydney. Them’s the rules!

Did you really name your dog Sniper? You’re dead to me.

Oh Christ, is that a guitar case?

C’mon ABC, you don’t have one unpaid intern that can do a cursory Twitter search so that none of your contestants are Nazis?

Arie, you have the personality of a fat-free milk carton and even fewer morals.

Sure, 30 men and all their bags in one mansion, but all of their emotional baggage too? PLEASE.

Hannah, I’m gonna be honest — I hate this journey for you.

Blake is a cinnamon roll, there’s no way he won’t get a rose.

I’m not watching the Women Tell All Episode, Chris Harrison! You don’t own me!

Please don’t make them write stand-up sets, please don’t make them write stand-up sets……oh, I crave death.

If I have to watch one more couple go off-roading, I’m going to off myself.

Screw you, Bryan.

Oh, he picked the hot one who everyone hates? SHOCKER.

Dean, if you’re on a romantic date in Barcelona and a beautiful woman says to ask her something personal, do NOT respond with, “What’s your favorite dinosaur?”

WHERE IS BLAKE’S FUCKING ROSE?

ABC, there’s no budget in the world that would convince me to look genuinely excited about a surprise trip to Cleveland.

I cannot believe I’m watching the Women Tell All episode.

Raven, do not let this piece of dry linguine hurt your feelings!!!!!

I’m sorry, is the premise here just literally The Bachelor, but with watered-down Olympic challenges? Did ABC lose a bet?

This man’s mother cares…too much.

Nick, you are a popsicle stick in a designer Henley and I never want to see you again.

Can Chris Harrison please start pulling his goddamn weight?

Tyler, I misjudged you. We would actually end up becoming class buddies in remedial Algebra and all the theatre kids would get jealous that you say hi to me during passing periods. I would die for you.

Alright, let’s get Neil Lane on the horn.

You’ll never get a SugarBearHair partnership with that attitude, Krystal.

Shit. That’s Delilah F. Which one is Delilah Q?

If I hear one more sexually suggestive pun about a windmill, I will launch myself into the sun.

Chris, Chris, Chris. When you’re home alone at night, staring at yourself in the mirror…do you believe it? After 20 years, do you really believe that this season will be the most dramatic yet? Or is your whole life just a champagne-colored lie?

Pear-shaped? You fool, you absolute imbecile.

Oh no. Oh, Dean. Oh sweetie, please don’t cry. Don’t cry! My favorite dinosaur is a triceratops!!!!!

Listen to me. I have watched this absolute car crash of a show every Monday for 10 weeks straight. I want to see somefuckingbody get fucking engaged right fucking NOW.

God, I hate this show.

Written by

Sara Costello is a Chicago actor, improviser, writer and tarot slinger. DM her about ghosts and/or gigs at @saracosty. (#pointsincase, #humordarling)

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