Welcome to Perimenopause. You know, the thing no one believes is real? (Kale doesn’t help either.)

It’s official friends.
I am sitting in a common area at a major university in the Pacific Northwest, eavesdropping on a student. I am convinced that he is trying to score drugs because of his banter, “NO BRO! I will give you $20.00. That’s all I got.” My ears perk up because I am privy to a dark underworld of drugs and debauchery and I am excited to see whether he can score THE DRUGS for twenty-bucks. Whoever is on the other end hung up on him, and quite frankly I would too because of his unpleasant tone. Drug dealers have feelings too, ya know? The kid announced to no one (but me) that no headphones are worth $300 bucks. He scampers off and I feel a tiny bit guilty for thinking this guy was a druggie. I do love headphones though. When I wear them, I feel like a superhero because they somehow make me feel invisible. They really give off a ‘get away from me!’ vibe.
So, what is official you ask? For one thing, I am old enough to be a grandma, yet that is not the case. I wonder if I will ever be? Well, that is not the point anyway. The point is that I am in a new season of life. This season is the one specially for women. The season you did not think existed in your 20’s and 30’s and maybe parts of your 40’s if you are lucky. Back then you thought if you drank elitist water and did yoga you would skip said season. The season? Perimenopause. The time before you stop your menstrual cycle forever. It. Is. Hell.
Can we chat about water? I drink what I call elitist water — water that brands me as a fancy privileged lady. It’s supposed to give you more energy and take 20 years off your face and body! Everyone will love you and you will finally become a perfect human if only you drink enough of the stuff. I drink a shit-ton of water and you know what? I am still as dry as the Sonoran Desert and crispy as a kettle chip. The water is absorbed sponge-like into my body, and has yet to do the trick. My skin is like a lizard’s skin, so dry! (Remember that commercial where the lady has such dry skin she can scratch the word dry in her hand? That’s me!) Finally, the constant urination factor because of my trying to turn in to a dewy goddess is, well, annoying. Especially when you accidentally pee yourself. Just a wee-bit of course. (See what I did there?!) The truth is, friends, no amount of exercise or water (or kale!) will take away the fact that you will grow old. You will grow facial hair and you will pluck it.
Marshmallows always seemed so cute to me. Puffy, happy and cloud-like, a marshmallow represented joy and fun. Whether in a s’more or an Easter peep — they are right up there with happy faces in my book. (I LOVE happy faces!) But, when your body turns in to a giant fluffy marshmallow around the middle, it’s different. Not cute. Plus, your head and neck become one thing. One solid body part. So there is that.
For those who are on the roller coaster of perimenopausal menstruation (sometimes you get it and sometimes you don’t) — you experience a whole new kind of PMS. It’s awesome because you do not know when you are actually going to get it, so it’s super fun to guess. I like to think that this is more like rage. The kind of rage that makes you want to eliminate annoying people by pointing your laser-beam eyes at them and have them explode. This is the same look my mom used to give me as a kid when she was mad. I knew I was in trouble when she pointed her big blues at me in that very specific way — locked and loaded! (For the record, I tried to parent this way but my child just looked at me like I was horribly disfigured.) Enjoy the rage and practice your laser eyes friends!
There are some wonderful things about this season, though. This, despite having to sleep with the air conditioner on every single night because your internal body temperature is 1,000,000 degrees — crazy, considering I was always the annoying cold one. The good news is that once you hit this season you realize that you are just who you are. I do not feel I must prove myself to anyone anymore — especially to myself! I skip friendship-drama and let people in who actually care about me, as well as cherish the tried and true ones. I have learned to forgive and I have learned to love more deeply. I do not have to be perfect! What a relief. (Pssst… you will never be perfect).
In reality, this season is really amazing and well deserved. I am so glad to have had the experiences I have had and cannot WAIT until this whole hot-flash-rage-fest sees the end of the road. Sisters, if you are not there yet, everything will be fine, and then it won’t and then it will again. And then you will die at some point! In the meantime, enjoy things in the moment, feel the feelings and for god-sake keep an open mind. Listen to what people have to say, especially if their views are different than yours. This does not mean you must change your mind, but it may open your heart. Take a walk, but don’t call it forest bathing — because guess what? That is elitist sounding.
Mostly, love hard, eat the cookies and do not throw them up. That’s not healthy for you either. But you know that too.
XO- The Angry Picnic
(I was trolled by someone who wrote in all caps that I am AN ANGRY PICNIC! I like the way that sounds. I think I will keep it).
