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Various Situations and Whether or Not I Would Consider Resorting to Cannibalism

It’s important to work these things out ahead of time.

Sarah Lofgren
Dec 6, 2019 · 3 min read

Sure there are folks out there who might think this post is in bad taste. They probably want to chew me out for writing something so unappetizing. I get it! I’m fed up with dumb cannibalism jokes, too.

But, it’s something we’ve all thought about. Let’s be honest. Humans have a deep fascination with the concept of cannibalism, always hungry for news clippings or garish tidbits.

If things got really dire… would you do it? Fortunately, most people never find themselves in a situation where they have to decide whether or not to eat people. But, on the off chance it does happen, it’s better to work your stance out ahead of time instead of waiting until the meat of the moment, when a lot of emotions could be at play.

Would I eat another human being? Well… it depends.

Let’s look at a few different scenarios.

My private plane crash lands in the Andes. I am in the middle of a cleanse and have not eaten solid food for eight days.

Cannibalism?

No. If I’m already eight days into a cleanse, I might as well keep riding it out. This situation should be viewed as an opportunity and not a nightmare. Unless a stray ear wanders my way. Then self control could become an issue.

I am sent back in time to join the ill-fated Donner party. We are trapped in the Sierra Nevada and it is starting to snow.

Cannibalism?

Yes. In theory, it’s already happened, so might as well dig in. Plus, if afterwards I wanted to make jokes about the Donner party, it would come from a place of deep knowing instead of cheap tawdriness, which is what I’m doing now.

Office holiday party where the boss didn’t order enough hor d’oeuvres.

Cannibalism?

Fuck, yes. I’ve been looking for an excuse to devour these people for years.

My luxury ocean liner goes down and I’m stuck on a raft in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. There’s no food or water.

Cannibalism?

No. I don’t enjoy eating if there isn’t any water handy. Drinking a glass of water with every meal aids in digestion. And who wants a tummy ache in the middle of the Pacific Ocean?

Someone tells me they will pay me one million dollars if I partake in cannibalism.

Cannibalism?

Undecided. I have a few follow-up questions that would need to be answered prior to tasting any human flesh. Like what kind of millionaire is so eager to watch me eat people that they’d pay me for the honor. Sounds like a creep. I’m just naturally skeptical. Sometimes that can get in the way of opportunity.

I am a method actor preparing for a role in which I play an cannibal.

Cannibalism?

Would you ask a male actor if he ate people to prepare for a role? I don’t think so. As a hardworking woman in an industry where we are often undervalued, I’m not going to dignify that question with an answer.


Thanks for reading! I’m on twitter and for some reason I have a newsletter. Bon appétit!

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