Don’t be fooled by all the false slots. There are just two real slots in this toaster: one at the front, one at the back. If you put bread in the front slot, it eventually comes out the rear slot but it takes days — and when it does come out, it doesn’t look like toast. It’s brown all right, but it’s way too soft. When you try to spread butter on it, it just falls apart. If you try to put bread in the back slot, you will get knocked unconscious and when you wake up your toaster will be gone. …
The neighborhood’s very walkable. As you can see, this little hideaway is built inside a volcano, so if you ever need lava…well, there it is. Volcanic ash? Right here. Magma? It’s downstairs.
And you’re not overlooked by any neighbors, so if you wanted to sunbathe nude at the edge of the crater, you’d have nothing to worry about. The paparazzi can’t get near you.
Coming here by helicopter you might have missed it, but the volcano is surrounded by a protective moat.
Are there piranhas in the moat? Of course not. This isn’t the 1960s. …
Please don these blue forensic booties. They will make you feel like you are on CSI: Salad.
“There is no CSI: Salad,” you say? No, there isn’t. Not yet. Just wait till the network gets back to me about my pitch.
Please watch your step. Our floors are polished daily with vegan lard.
It’s a security measure. We’ve had some problems with the Plants Rights Activists. Plants Rights Activists think we should be eating bacteria and viruses exclusively. And fungi, but only if it’s terminally ill. Moribund mushrooms? No, thank you. That’s all right for some people. …
We hermits need to stick together.
From a distance, of course.
Ever since the lockdown, no one’s calling us antisocial.
We are now socially responsible.
People shouldn’t assemble in groups of more than 10, you say?
I congregate exclusively in groups of one.
Erfatz is my best friend. I haven’t spoken to him in 6 years. He is very low-maintenance.
Brian used to be my friend, but he wanted to talk to me once a year, and I’m not comfortable with that level of intimacy.
Brian had a visitor to his hermitage last year. That visitor was thinking about becoming a hermit. He enjoyed Brian’s hermitage so much that he invited one of his friends to join them. That friend invited another friend, and so on and so on. …
From an interview with Dr. David Suzuki, July 1st, 1990, Victoria, British Columbia.
Interviewer: Hello, Dr. Suzuki!
David Suzuki: Hello.
Interviewer: I know I invited you here to talk about climate change, but first, let’s talk about a more pressing question.
David Suzuki: More pressing than climate change?
Interviewer: Yes. I want to know: Does lava taste like cheese?
David Suzuki: Lava is rock. Molten rock.
Interviewer: Does it taste like cheese, though?
David Suzuki: It’s an outpouring of liquid rock from beneath the Earth’s crust. It’s not food.
Interviewer: But you have to admit that it looks like melted cheese. It’s got a moist, orange center, like a good Canadian cheddar, with burned black bits on the top, like you get when you pull a grilled cheese out from under the broiler. I mean, yum, is what I’m saying. …
After he’d hit the rooster’s snooze button (the little nubbin under its chin) for the third time, Farmer Brown rolled out of bed bright and early at 2AM. He picked up his pitchfork and stuck a grass seed between his teeth.
What a day to be a farmer!
As he left the house, he used the pitchfork to pick up the seven dead varmints the barn cat had lined up on his doorstep, ranging in size from an ant to a small torpedo — or it might have been an aardvark. It was hard to tell, because it was still dark outside. …
Goldfish crackers: You’ve gone snorkeling in a ball pool.
Lay’s ketchup chips: Your ringtone is a dental drill.
Cool Ranch Doritos: You play jazz tailpipe in your garage band.
Hot Rod sausage snacks: You butter your toast with a screwdriver.
Lay’s dill pickle chips: You’ve melted a block of gouda in your aunt’s pottery kiln.
Fritos corn chips: You’ve used hair gel as sunscreen.
Pringles original flavor: You’ve gone skydiving in a wetsuit “in case it rains.”
Yogurt peanuts: You take your caffeine nasally.
Trail mix: You smoke grass clippings “for medicinal purposes.”
Chex Mix: You smoke Popeye cigarettes “for entertainment purposes.” …
While in line at the smoke shop, your best friend suddenly remembers it’s your birthday. She grabs an impulse-buy packet of frog socks (black socks, green frogs with goggle eyes glued to their foreheads) and pays a kid on a bike to deliver them so that she doesn’t have to see the look on your face when you open the package.
A week later, you run into your best friend at the bakery buying a box of hash brownies. She asks you in a hurt tone why you aren’t wearing the frog socks she bought you.
The week after that, you are supposed to meet your best friend at the farmer’s market. You figure if you don’t wear the frog socks, she will send you on another guilt trip. You wear them with that pair of low-cut deck shoes that you hate, but are the only ones you own that don’t completely cover these socks. …