Give me all your money and stop looking at my face. Look at what’s in my right hand.
Dripping with honey.
Infused with cinnamon and cloves.
Embedded with nuts.
That’s what’s important here.
I know you can see my face.
The reason you can see my face is because I asked my wife to buy me a balaclava.
But when I asked her, she had her AirPods in. She was listening to that podcast with the guy with the nose and that woman with all the cylinders.
But I know she can read lips. I know because she…
Dr. Otto Octavius/Dr. Ock/Dr. Octopus: Too clingy.
Annie Wilkes: Way too clingy. Makes Dr. Ock look like Mr. Spock.
Hans Gruber: A gold digger. Never treats me to dinner and the one time we went Dutch, he expected me to pay his share, because his money was “tied up” in investments.
Norman Bates: A total mamma’s boy. Pass.
Goldfinger: He’s always golfing. Skip him and go for his henchman: he’s better-looking and he’s got a boomerang in his hat. Ask him to give you a demo!
Hannibal Lecter: Never goes out to eat. Insists on doing all the cooking. Kind…
I can’t put it off any longer.
I look like Animal from The Muppet Show.
And not in a good way.
It’s time for some judicious pruning.
How hard can it be to cut your own hair?
It’s not brain surgery.
It could be brain surgery if I slip with the scissors.
I don’t even have scissors.
I’ve got kitchen shears.
Are they sharp?
Yup. Sharp enough to cut the string off a chicken.
As long as my hair isn’t tougher than chicken string, I’m good to go.
What kind of hairstyle do I want?
No matter what I ask…
BOB: Well, it’s a beautiful day here in Arlene’s living room, Dan.
DAN: All the signs — and Arlene’s hair — point to a blow-out, Bob.
BOB: What’s that over in the corner, Dan?
DAN: Which corner, Bob?
BOB: Behind the line of scrimmage.
DAN: It appears to be…a potted plant of some kind.
DAN: And…I’m just getting word that…yes, it’s a compact Boston fern.
BOB: You don’t see those every day.
DAN: Arlene does, Bob.
BOB: Speaking of the home team, let’s talk about today’s line-up. Sitting in the comfy chair we have Arlene Smith. 5-feet-0 inches…
Let’s keep it real here, you glutenous bastards.
I’m only going to say this once.
If you want to learn archery, then hearken to my spiel, as they say in Deutschland. (Where the pastries are classy, and the maidens are sassy!)
I don’t care if you’re white, black, brown, or have sprinkles ‘round your hole. What I’m going to say applies to you.
All of you.
They said no one could teach archery to donuts.
The last time someone tried, he went all William Tell on an apple fritter.
Last I heard, he was doing 7 years at a Krispy…
Wondering what to do in lockdown? We’ve got you covered.
We at VeryGameyGames, where good ideas come to be dismantled, take gaming seriously.
Our motto is: It’s all fun and games until somebody loses a nostril. Then it’s not necessary fun, but it is a game, and we have created a new range of games for your schnozzing amusement, viz:
Game #1: Does it pass the sniff test?
Objective: Be the last person standing.
What you need: Access to your grandmother’s pantry.
How to play: Open the door tothat pantry — that same pantry your grandmother has been…
Doobie Doobie Dour
Ready to come out of lockdown? Really? Well, don’t make the mistake of leaping out your front door with a smile and a song. The vast majority of the locked-down population has been dwelling under a rock of sullen, sunless isolated and completely understandable depression.
The last thing anyone needs at this point is your chipper ass in their face.
People need time to adjust.
So tuck your chipper ass away.
You need to tune in to the national tone.
In short, you must embrace the dour.
Dour is cool.
Dour is hip.
Dour is the new…
Thanks for doing me a solid. My regular sitter is indisposed.
Just a few tips for taking care of Bergola.
Before entering the apartment, please put on the gauntlets hanging by the door.
Don the titanium codpiece.
Unlock the door.
Upon entering the apartment, you may not immediately see Bergola. There is no need to go looking for him. He will find you.
Until that happens, sit down and make yourself comfortable.
But note: Bergola has certain items of furniture he considers to be “his”. Even if he is not currently sitting on them, please do not sit…
Don’t be fooled by all the false slots. There are just two real slots in this toaster: one at the front, one at the back. If you put bread in the front slot, it eventually comes out the rear slot but it takes days — and when it does come out, it doesn’t look like toast. It’s brown all right, but it’s way too soft. When you try to spread butter on it, it just falls apart. If you try to put bread in the back slot, you will get knocked unconscious and when you wake…
Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.