Since our earliest beginnings in education, we have been taught to always work our hardest, constantly pushing ourselves to the best of our abilities. We have been conditioned to believe that getting good grades is our number one priority in school, and that these grades determine the very outcome of our futures. “No matter your sports practices, play rehearsals, friendships, family, and emotional health!” Our authority figures crow. “Grades come before all!” Well, today my fellow fed-up fainéants, I say enough is enough! No longer should we have to actually be productive in our studies! We deserve the right to slack-off, to lounge-about, and focus our attention on matters of much greater appeal, such as watching Kylie Jenner’s top seven fashion faux pas of 2013. Therefore, in order to finally and rightfully claim the lives we deserve, I propose we fight back. I present to you, a complete guide on how to get bad grades in college.
The process of achieving bad grades at university begins with the initial standard homework assignment received in class. Upon hearing your professor utter the words, “Your homework for tonight is,” you must immediately turn off your hearing. Tune everything out. This step is crucial, but in the unfortunate event you manage to hear what’s due, resist the urge to commit the assignment to memory. Whatever you do, do not write the assignment down, and do not check your syllabus for it later.
Upon the off-chance your professor directly hands you a worksheet to complete, you have a few options on how to handle the situation. The top responses to this action are listed as follows:
1. Immediately begin the process of folding a paper airplane with the sheet, and upon completion, launch the plane across the room.
2. Bring the worksheet back to your dorm. Use said sheet to clean up the week-old guacamole spillage you managed to get under your futon. (Lord knows you ran out of paper towels the first month of school).
3. Take the sheet and shove it directly to the bottom of your backpack. Trust me; you’ll never see it again.
Another crucial step in achieving bad grades is not studying. Whether it be a test, exam, or quiz, you’ll be prompted by professors a thousand times to “get studyin’!” so you could ace every question. Lucky for you, most professors specifically design those things to destroy you unless you’re properly prepared, so bad results aren’t too hard to obtain in this scenario. As Carrie Brown-Smith, an assistant journalism professor at University of Memphis says: “I think some students have this assumption that professors are out to get them” (McMullen). She’s absolutely right. All you have to do is fight the guilt complex that roles in the last few days before the test as your course notebook stares shamefully at you from your desk. This issue can usually be resolved with a laptop or tablet, a pair of earbuds, and a binge-worthy Netflix series that can keep you preoccupied for hours on end. You’ll be able to quickly and easily tell if you’re executing this step correctly, for if you’re on the right track, you’ll be getting back all you’re work with frowny faces, “Come to office hours!!” notes, and hopefully the prominent “F” written in red pen at the top of the page. Hey, as Lauren Martin once eloquently mentioned: “To all those tight-ass intellectuals out there, it’s time to get the facts straight. For all those years that you spent cooped up in the library, poring over facts and stats, soliloquies and Greek mythology, the average scoring kids — the ones partying and getting C’s in college — are the ones obtaining the skills that do matter: life experiences” (Martin). So from now on, “F” stands for fabulous! Keep up the great work, you revolutionary, you!
The third and final method for achieving bad grades is skipping all classes as much as you conceivably can. You can’t possibly do well on any of your work when you don’t even know what material is being taught! Now, the best way to accomplish this method is to once again find preoccupying activities to distract from any guilt that might develop; it’s simply too late to turn back and you’re one step closer to making the world a better place, my friend. All you have to do is participate in activities that waste as much time possible during each class you have. I have compiled a suggested collection of activities to choose from:
1. Go take a nap/go to sleep.
2. Get a haircut at the farthest salon from campus. (Still within city limits however. You don’t have enough gas or willpower to get beyond that.)
3. Go watch one of those awful, abnormally long, foreign films that everyone pretends they enjoy.
4. Learn to play the bongos. (This inarguably will come in handy at some point in your life.)
5. Go work out. (By working out I mean going to your school’s gym and doing a couple sit-ups since you don’t know how to use any of the equipment.)
6. Literally just walk around campus aimlessly until your class is over.
While some may be terribly intimidated by many methods of achieving bad grades in college, the listed methods are relatively easy to adjust to. Just keep in mind the three basics: Don’t do homework, don’t study, and skip class. In a few short months you too can be a horrible student, fighting back against the pressure of society, and relentlessly working for the rights every college student deserves! As stated on College Crunch, college is: “…a time for you to have fun and experience what life has to offer” (“Having Fun in College”).
Works Cited
Martin, Lauren. “Why The Ones Who Have Bad Grades Are Often The Ones Who Are Most Successful.” Elite Daily. Elite Daily, 12 Dec. 2013. Web. 02 Nov. 2015.
McMullen, Laura. “3 Tips to Overcome a Bad Grade in College.” U.S. News. U.S. News & World Report LP., 27 Jan. 2012. Web. 29 Oct. 2015.
“Having Fun in College.” College Crunch. CollegeCrunch.org, 2015. Web. 03 Nov. 2015
