For all the millennials, introverts, and members of the general populace who realize that it’s 2019 and technology has given us more efficient options for solving problems than talking on the phone, here’s a voicemail template for you. I’m one robocall away from putting this up myself.
Hi, you’re attempting to reach me on the phone for a task that can 100% be done without us actually talking. Please listen to the following options for an easy resolution of your needs that doesn’t require us hearing each others’ voices:
1. You’re attempting to deliver food
I have the app open, I can see the icon for your car, and I’m waiting at the door. I’m literally standing there right now. You don’t need to call me; I see you.
2. You’re Lyft or Uber
See option 1.
3. You’re a robocaller
You guys are the scum of the universe.
4. You’re attempting to deliver a package
I left delivery instructions with Amazon/UPS/FedEx. Please use those instructions and leave the packages where I asked; it’s pretty simple. No need to call me 3 times and knock aggressively loudly early on Sunday morning just to hand me an Amazon package that you could have left in the mail room using the door code I gave Amazon.
5. You’re confirming an appointment
I already saw the email or text for this, plus it’s in my calendar.
6. You’re asking me to donate money
Yes, I donated before. And I’ll likely do it again, using the convenience of the Internet, unless you keep calling me every damn day.
7. You’re one of the ~4 people I actually want to talk to on the phone
I saw you called. I’ll call you back.
Here’s to leaving our phones on “do not disturb” by default in 2020.