The overwhelming feeling of feeling…
Feelings suck. Point blank, period. Good feelings, bad feelings, exciting feelings, scary feelings, they all just suck. This is because it’s like you suddenly have no control over your own body anymore, no control over yourself.
For the past 6 months I’ve talked to guys, I’ve dated guys, but I haven’t really caught “feelings” for guys. Because I remember what “feelings” felt like, in turn, remembering how much they sucked. So for the past 6 months since heartbreak I have been one independent, self controlled, motivated, concentrated on school and work only, every mans dream as Ne-Yo would say “Miss Independent”.
And it’s been great, I’ve been accepted to two colleges that I’ve applied to, good ones at that, got and held down a job, got closer with my girls, and bought my first car. I’ve accomplished more in these 6 months care free, single, and independent than I have in my entire life, but most of all? I’ve been happy, genuinely happy. Things haven’t been an all time euphoric high or anything like that, but I sure as hell haven’t been sad, haven’t been worried, haven’t been stressed. I’ve just been free.
Until about two weeks ago…
There’s this guy who I’ve met a handful of times and even mutually hung out with once or twice. He comes into my work often, every time I wait on him we nervously smile and have your average 30 second conversation while I make a disgraceful attempt to hand him his change without dropping it all over the ground; nervousness and anxiety are one hell of an emotion. He’s not your “He’s so gorgeous, I need to tell all of my coworkers to check him out immediately, who is he?!” Guy.
He’s normal. Not someone on these mutual occasions I’ve ever thought about dating. But not someone I would have outed either, just never put much thought into it I suppose.
Here’s a 2016 cliché I’m sure you’ve never heard before,
He liked my picture on Facebook.
That’s how it all starts, kidding.
Anyway, this was an obvious tell tale sign he found me attractive, but I didn’t pursue it, this happens all the time with our generation. No big deal.
His mom passed away a few weeks ago…
I messaged him, the normal “I know we don’t talk very much, but I’m here for you, if you need anything.”
Not because I saw it as an opportunity to speak to him or anything, but because I genuinely know how it feels to loose a parent and wanted to help in the worst way.
And that I did, or I’d like to think so anyway. It’s strange how things happen, some times the best things can come out of the worst things imaginable.
Even in his most depressive, vulnerable, angry, distressed state, he is perfect in every way. Stronger than any person I’ve ever seen, softer than I could have imagined, funnier than any person I’ve known, we clicked immediately.
He’s everything I could want, or at least I think, it’s hard to tell so early on, and if you’ve gotten this far in my reading you know that I’m not someone that falls at all, let alone so quickly, Miss Independent, remember?
That’s why this is so scary. It’s like:
“Giving someone a gun, letting them point it at your heart and hoping that they won’t pull the trigger.”
I saw that on Instagram or Tumblr somewhere, I’m not really sure who the author of that quote is, but I felt it the most relevant to what I’m trying to explain here.
But the whole thing is terrifying. Suddenly my thoughts are consumed with him, I look at my phone far more than I ever have in hopes that he’s texted me, and when he doesn’t text me back, I don’t know what to do with myself, I feel like something’s missing? I almost have to keep myself busy so I’m not anxiously waiting and relying on this text, and if it doesn’t come, (he’s not an asshole, it always comes.) but if for some reason he takes longer than normal to reply my thoughts explode, I overthink. I wonder if I said something wrong, perhaps I’m being too clingy. I read into everything that he says, far more than I should. And if I don’t see him, I get disappointed.
I’m starting to rely on someone other than myself for my happiness. And that isn’t me. My whole life I’ve made sure I was the only one in control of that, in full control. I’d never give anyone the chance at shattering my happiness again. But here I am, doing it, and I guess I’m just hoping I don’t get my heart broken into a million tiny pieces like all of the rest of us.