What I Really Want To Tell People When They Bring up My Mother.

I want to tell you that she is my bestfriend, I want to tell you that she is my rock, I want to tell you that I want to be just like her.

I want to lie to you, I so badly want to lie to you, but that’s not the person I am.

That’s the person that I share DNA with. And I wish to be nothing like the person she is today. I say today because she wasn’t always like this, or maybe she was and I was too young to see through it.

But I don’t want to believe that, I refuse to believe that.

Because I love my mother. That’s what I won’t tell you. I’ll tell you how I hate her, and I’ll tell you what a bad mother she has been, and I’ll tell you how I want no part in her life.

But the truth is,

I don’t hate my mother, I hate the person she’s become over the years. I hate what she’s done to me, what she continues to do to me despite my every attempt to let her know how I feel. I hate her disregard for my feelings or anyone but herself. I hate that she’s become a “bad” mother when she wasn’t always that way.

I Want to Have a Relationship with my Mother.

But she doesn’t want to have one with me. And she’ll make me out to be the daughter that got a taste of life and a big head and wanted to be independent and left. That I left by choice. And I suppose, I did.

But she won’t tell you that she gave me no other options. She won’t tell you how she treated me every time I came home to her drunk. She wont tell you about the two years I lived without heat or hot water when I had other options because she begged me to stay. She won’t tell you of the childhood I gave up to take care of her for so long.

And she won’t even take that into consideration.

She will continue to be bitter and horrible to me, she will continue to hold resentments because I finally chose to leave a toxic relationship.

She will continue to attempt to make me feel bad, every day.

And it’ll work.

It’ll work because I love her, and I never wanted to leave her. I wanted her to love me enough to choose me over herself. I wanted to say she was my best friend. And I still do every day.

I want to end by telling you what I really want to say about my mother, the person she was before the change, the mom I know is there somewhere.

  • I want to tell you she is beautiful. I mean I didn’t get these good looks from no where? She may have let herself go now but I wish so badly you could’ve met her before she did. She was stunning. If you don’t believe me, see for yourself;
  • I want to tell you that she’s a hard worker. I know she hasn’t worked or done much of anything in the past 8 years. But she worked many jobs when I was young to support me as a single mother at that time. She waitressed, she cleaned houses, she was even a teachers aid for my pre school class.. All of this and a mom.
  • I want to tell you that she always put me before herself, that she was the most selfless person I knew. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to leave her and go my own way. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to feel selfish. But I gave it my all, I did. I gave her all of my teenage years.
  • I want to tell you that she is an awesome cook. That there were always home cooked meals ready for me every time I came home until a short period ago.
  • I want to tell you that she is so much fun, and she is so smart.

But most of all what I want to tell you is how much I love her, no matter who she’s become.

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