Ok…for the record, I am soooooo trying harder to be more of a human being and less of a human branding. I’m not going to write again about how I need to write more. I’m not going to write again about my writer’s block when it comes to talking about everything. I’m not going to write again about the good old days when I would speak my mind more.
What I will write again is about how my friends continue to inspire me. What I will write again is about how I will try to be more open.
I never shared this publicly, but I once wrote:
Sure, they tell me I am an Earthling by birth, but can we just stop pretending? I have taken nearly thirty-five revolutions around the sun, and no matter what, have never been able to pull off faking this thing called “being human.”
The truth is, I obviously don’t understand what the word human means.
I assumed that by careful observation, I would be able to blend in. Change the way I look, my native tongue, the cadence and hue of my speech, abandon all of the comforts of home…I went to great lengths to camouflage. It was a high stakes affair, when many times I was afraid that I would lose myself. In reality, I already had, long ago.
I am an alien, and I do not f*** with human beings.
There is a Google Doc that I shared today with a friend who inspired me to try to be human. I wrote it on the morning of January 1, 2017. The content is extremely personal, and I’m not yet ready to share with the world, but I will share this:
When I was a kid, I remember falling off my bike quite a bit. My parents would help me clean the scrapes, put a band-aid on, and I would go about my business. Sometimes taking the band-aid off would hurt. Sometimes it would peel the scab off, but eventually the wounds would heal.
I know this is probably the most cliché metaphor I could use, but it rings true. This year is all about healing these wounds. Over the past few days I have been very self-reflective. It has hurt a lot. By no means do I think everything is copacetic, but …I need to make this [a] life worth living.
I am very hopeful about this new year. Hope is good because I don’t always have it. I will cling to it in 2017. I truly believe that all will be well.
Looking back, this hope has propelled me through 2017. As we approach 2018, I am in a much better place now than I was 12 months ago.
There were some very painful lessons this year, but I still cling to that hope. I don’t know if I believe that “everything happens for a reason,” but I do believe that there can be a lesson in everything if you look hard enough.
Quite honestly, the future does scare me, a lot.