10 Things That Wouldn’t Be as Bad as a Trump Dystopia
While I’m about 85% sure that Donald Trump is performing in some kind of long running experimental art piece, there is an actual chance that this xenophobic cartoon character may in fact win the Republican nomination. Here are ten things that would still be better than if Trump became president.
- If Americans were unknowingly implanted with electronic chips while we slept, like kitty cats, and we were scanned whenever we had to present identification.
- If the next generation of children were puppymonkeybaby hybrids, thereby recognizing Super Bowl commercial programming as prophetic.
- If we co-existed with lizard aliens who read our thoughts and told our best friends what we really thought about their dating choices, even though we really want to seem supportive.
- If our smartphones automatically attached signatures to all of our text messages even when it was obvious who the sender was, just like a baby boomer mom who hasn’t quite gotten the hang of cellular communication.
- If the only beverage option was the 90’s kid favorite Surge, and slowly the male species grew infertile due to high levels of Yellow 5.
- If our only news option was the Kardashian family live-tweeting current events but they consistently used emojis off-label.
- If like an endless round of the card drinking game Kings, we were all forced to do the Viking hand motion any time we spoke.
- If instead of being in fulfilling romantic relationships, our only sexual encounters could be with ironically mustached hipsters who would speak of nothing but the benefits of paleo diets.
- If the only television we could watch was five camera sitcoms but the laugh tracks were taken out, thus requiring us to determine for ourselves what was funny instead of relying on live studio audiences.
- If a fatal virus infected us all and turned us into zombies with deteriorating muscles and ligaments who feasted on each other’s fallen limbs (and none of it tasted like chicken).
Still, it wouldn’t be as bad as a Trump presidency.