If you know me even minimally, you probably have a good sense of my devotion to “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” Even in the face of Ru’s repeated missteps regarding inclusion of the trans community, I still have mad love for all the queens. It’s not their fault he can be misguided and narrow minded. But one thing Ru and his team do right? Editing queens’ storylines. I often imagine what edit I’d get and I always come to the same conclusion: I’d get the “inner saboteur” edit.
Made famous by queens like Katya, Trinity K. Bonet, and Nina Bonina Brown, the “inner saboteur” edit befalls Drag Race participants who constantly doubt themselves. In the extended reality series that is my life, the editors in the sky are giving me that storyline. I’m not the person who wins week after week with no sign of stopping. I’m more the type who’s consistently safe, but eventually (hopefully) breaks through the insecurity and shows everyone what she’s made of.
I don’t like having this storyline and I feel like I should’ve outgrown it by now. At age 30, I’m still struggling with the flimsy self-esteem of a needy high schooler. While it may make for good television every now and then, I’d much rather reach the point where everyone expects great things from me, instead of eventually surprising people with my abilities.
My self-doubt has become so ingrained that I carry it around with me regardless of the circumstances. Even in situations where I should feel secure and in control, the slightest thing could throw me off my game. If given the opportunity to ruminate, I’ll come up with countless examples of evidence that support my ultimate fears.
I hope to continue to follow in the footsteps of my beloved queens and eventually break through the barrier I’ve created for myself. Because, after all, if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?