Maui Fever: Day 3, I Was Promised A Life Changing Experience And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

By day 3, not having shorts was a very big problem. Sweat was pouring out of every porous surface of my body (gross, sorry), and the island breezy lifestyle wasn’t pairing well with my variety of black polyester blend leggings I brought with me. OH THE HUMIDITY.

I drove up to the Queen Ka’ahumanu Center Mall in Kahului. It was an open air mall, and had some excellent mall food. Hawaii’s mall food is on point.

Sadly though, no shorts. Sarah E. Miller isn’t trying to wear airy Forever 21 booty shorts when she attempts to climb mountains, okay?

Right next to this bustling town was where not one, but two people recommended I should go hiking: Iao Valley State Park. A historical battle took place there, and both Heidi the Reiki Healer and Random Lady From the Plane told me to visit this place to “feel something”.

I drove up a windy pathway and it started raining. An otherwise beautiful hawaiian day, it started getting dark and stormy immediately up this road. Tropical foliage started creeping into the road, and there were plants I have never seen before — but looked prehistoric in nature. So cool! This is new and exciting!

I finally get to the entrance.

…. And I’m immediately let down.

Tourist trap! Always and forever! Tourists trying to find something meaningful in a tourist bubble and it is immediately trampled over by more tourists! Arrrghhhh! It ended up being an extremely short cemented walkway up and around to a viewpoint. I was there for a grand total of 14 minutes in my stupid rain jacket and mostly because people were in my way. TRYING TO FIND INNER PEACE AND HARMONY HAS NEVER BEEN MORE DIFFICULT.

I could feel all of these warrior ancestors of the great beyond were staring at us from the mountains like the chumps we are.

I got back in my car and drove back down.

While going back down the mountain defeated, I spotted a museum called Bailey House Museum and Maui Historical Society. Anxious to learn anything about this island even if I can’t feel anything, I pulled in and parked.

The house itself was very interesting.

An older man with no front teeth and a faded hawaiian shirt came up to me and started talking nonstop.

Built with volcanic rock and coral (which I learned was taken down from an ancient temple only to build a house!), this house had a lot of history tied to it, and was once an all girls school. He then went on to say that it is possibly haunted and showed me some ghost like shapes in the paintings.

Feeling slightly uplifted by potential ghosts, I started getting hungry. I decided to drive through a little known place called McDonalds. I will not tell you how many times I went through McDonalds on this trip, but rest assured, it’s embarrassing. Fun fact: Did you know you can order spam at a hawaiian McDonalds?

Before taking my feast home to enjoy my spoils, I drove by a beautiful wooden walkway along the road. The sun was setting, and the park was closing in an hour, so I revved my mustang engine into the parking lot, and took a long walk off a short pier.

Though it started out rough, with the promise of magic and instead getting saccharine, the evening showed me tropical birds wading their way through the water, the sun setting behind the mountains, and spam in my muscle car.