Turning Humanoid: 6 Ways You Can Seem More Like a Human in 2018
By Plexi Glass, Primate Researcher Android #16541
Dear fellow Robots, Aliens, and other Life and Death Forms,
In this issue of Turning Humanoid, we discuss ten subtle but distinct features that can distinguish you from the rest of the drove in perfecting your human-like craft.
It’s not easy trying to fit in with humans. They are complicated at best, short-circuiting at worst. Here are some tips and tricks so you won’t raise suspicion in conspiracy theorists, lose a wiring module (or an internal antenna, ouch!) or get caught with your tail out in public.
Humans are always complaining about something. Think about your current human persona. What is your daily routine and how can you find something worth complaining about? Humans are prone to mistakes while completing a task, so that can be a sure-footed place to start. Are you a “Sharon from Human Resources”? Complain about people not filing paperwork correctly. Don’t worry, even if you’re secretly programmed to organize chaos so you love when humans fail, complaining will make you relatable.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Find a sweet spot between complaining about your own aliments and letting a human complain about theirs to you. That is how “Friendships” and “Bonds” are formed, which are essential for your study and/or mission while visiting Earth.
2. Facial Expressions:
As we all know, facial expressions are one of the hardest things to relate to. Why do people laugh when they’re nervous? Cry when they laugh too hard? Say everything is fine when all logic and reasoning indicates otherwise? This is something called “Learned Behavior” and it’s used to “Get Along” in modern day society. These methods were not common merely a few thousand years ago, but evolution took a left turn.
For example, if people are passive-aggressive, it helps them release tension in an unproductive (but non-confrontational) way, thus letting them maintain their same status quo in their workplace or home environment.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Microexpressions are very important. When you are listening to a human, be sure to furrow the brow and give direct eye contact every thirty seconds. Nod your head in understanding whenever they are showing particular vulnerabilities. Do this correctly and you establish “Trust”. Do this incorrectly, and humans will tend to think you have ulterior motives (which you do, but that’s besides the point!).
3. Where is Your Phone?
In this day and age, humans are constantly holding their phones like a security blanket. It is wise to always be in contact with your phone, regardless of what upgrades your circuitry has, or technology advancements your own planet is capable of. These pocket devices are not only a way to communicate with each other, but theyalso help humans in fixing “Boredom” or “Social Awkwardness”- one of the most interesting characteristics a human being has, in my opinion.
Last year, Extraterrestrial Extra did a study on why a well-balanced vocabulary of self-deprecation worked so well in a group of teenage girls. It was a way to forge bonds, but also a way to express how “Humble” they were, in spite of being perfectly symmetrical (a clear sign of human attractiveness levels).
Humans are nothing if not contradictory!
The best way of expressing self-deprecation is to hyper focus on one area of your humanoid body, job or relationship and negatively obsess about it whenever someone brings up something similar in conversation. Be sure to advert your eyes to express “Shame”.
If there is one thing humans love to discuss, it is the long considered taboo subject of politics! This topic is not best in every social situation, so it is wise to “Test the Waters” with a vague reference to a news channel discussing political matters, or a light hearted joke that will not be offensive to either party. Be sure to check microexpressions in their responses to your quip, and move forward cautiously.
Debating is a fun and fruitless human effort, so enjoy when possible!
IMPORTANT NOTE: Due to our highly advanced memory boards, you will likely know each and every aspect of the political climate from your studies. Do not mystify the human you’re conversing with with hyper-detail or “Facts”. Instead, proceed with over-emotions and forgetfulness.
6. Set Nonsensical Goals and Never Achieve Them
As this year comes to a close, humans often turn inward on themselves and self-reflect. Between experiencing “Nostalgia” during the holidays, and eating too many negative energy food groups, humans create elaborate lists for the New Year. These are often called “Resolutions” or goals. From the end of December to February, you will see humans work on these goals with half-hearted attempts and unrealistic expectations. This inspires “Hope” just long enough for Spring to come around and brighten everyone’s depressive winter mood. Follow suit by creating your own truly useless list.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Be sure to add things regarding your weight or finances. And whatever you do, do not succeed in achieving your goals as that will cause envy and arouse suspicion.
As our anthropoid friends would say: Happy Holidays (and stay vigilant)!
Make sure your robot exterior is not exhibiting signs of a sociopath! Click here: