Dear Brenda, We Need to Talk

I like social media. I really do. I love the diversity of people and ideas, and all the ways it can make me laugh or roll my eyes, and think isn’t that the truth!

Social media would have been a game changer when I was up all night with cranky babies.

It’s changing though. I find myself going from eye roll to pursed lips to GTFO more often these days.

More and more, my feed is full of solopreneurs, mompreneurs, boss bitches and boss babes, selling everything from mindset to mascara. My timeline is flooded with filtered pictures about authenticity and my in-box is clogged with canned messages like, “Hey! It’s so good to connect! Tell me more about what you do!”

Well, Brenda, if you’d taken even a second to glance at my profile, you’d know what I do.

Before I answer her though, I message my business coach friend — we have a running bet on how many exchanges it will take to get to the sales pitch. Kinda like the lollipop, but not nearly as nice.

I tell Brenda I write books and teach women how to manage their magic. And BAM, there it is, just like that, no lube, no foreplay, nothing, just straight dick to my face, she asks, “What are your health and wellness goals?”

The truth? I want to walk until I die, have a bladder of steel, and eat fries whenever I want. But I don’t give Brenda the truth because she doesn’t care. Or maybe she does, but I don’t know that. I have no clue if Brenda gives a shit about me and my goals because she hasn’t taken the time to get to know me.

To all the Brendas out there (and there’s about twelve trillion of you), stop it. Stop flooding in-boxes with lame sales pitches, stop tagging us in all your posts, and for the love of all that is good and holy, stop adding us to groups so we can watch you open pearls.

If you want to make a sale without sounding like a jerk, I have a suggestion. Instead of poaching lists and spamming people with friend requests, find people who interest you and have things in common. Talk to them about your mutual love for taxidermied beavers and hatred of boy bands. Like their pictures, comment on their posts — become their friend.

Share funny memes and your thoughts on current events. Talk to your people about what is important to you — become human to those on your friend list. Give them a reason to connect.

In a world where humanity is often replaced by automation, we are hungry for genuine conversation and connection. We’ve created the platform of social media out of the desire to be known by someone.

We don’t show up on social media to be fodder for sales people. We don’t want to see pictures of your green drink, your eyelashes, or your fingernails. We want to see pictures of you. We want to see what you’re up to, what your dog is doing, and the places you think are beautiful. We come here to interact with one another. We come to find people who are like us, people we can connect with. We don’t want to be assaulted with toothpaste and face cream.

I will buy things, that is certain. I have two businesses, thick thighs, and crow’s feet. I have needs. I also have Amazon Prime. I can buy anything I want with the click of a button at 2am while in bed. Your job is to give me a reason to buy from you. Give me a reason to suggest your butter-pants to all my friends.

Brenda, listen girlfriend. This isn’t going to work — it’s not me, it’s you. I can’t deal with this insincere bullshit. I don’t have time for that. I want to know you, support you, and celebrate you — but I won’t do that without foreplay.


Sarah is a reformed hood rat who now lives in the suburbs, reads Tarot, and tries her hardest not to cuss at the bus stop. You can see how this all turns out on her website, and on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.