My drinking was always about the whoosh. The sensation nestled between the second and the third drink where the world would melt away. My cares and concerns melting off me into the ether, and for a brief fleeting moment I found what I was looking for relief. Relief from the endlessly looping narratives in my head. My failures, shortcomings, memories of missteps and mistakes I didn’t know how to move beyond. Pain and grief.
When I set down the bottle, I wasn’t able to set those stories down with it. Early sobriety, which is to say my first days of not drinking, was about learning to survive, moment by moment without relief. Netflix, peanut M&Ms, runs around my neighborhood would give temporary escape, but my ability to not drink was directly correlated with my willingness to be uncomfortable and to persevere through pain. …
Six years ago I was ready for a different work experience. My resume was chock full of traditional administrative positions that paid the bills but held little interest or excitement. After years of managing books and executing other people’s ideas with which I felt no affinity, I was ready for a shift.
I wanted to be deeply connected to my work, work with a product I felt invigorated by, and to be a part of the bustling startup community I had fallen in lust with from my internet spectator seat.
When I was lucky enough to land an interview for a role that fit my-work-at-a-startup objective, I allowed my excitement, assumed good fortune, and some deep rooted personal issues to distract me from taking the time to reflect on if the job was a fit for me. …
Sometimes the work to a whole life feels limitless and broad. An ever-expanding field of opportunity ripe for exploration.
Sometimes the work feels raw and vulnerable. Petrifying, aggravating and overwhelming.
I’ve been cultivating a practice of self-examination for over eight years. I am committed to a life-long process.
But today — today I wish I could just graduate already.
A few weeks ago, the fruit of all my self-work was to bear witness to a dysfunctional pattern in myself and my family. The first taste was exhilarating, exciting. More to learn. …