Almost

I believe almost is the most painful word in the English language. You almost won, she almost pulled through. The pain is struck when it becomes clear that the event didn’t work out in your favour. Or when someone says they are almost certain of something, god that is painful. “I’m almost certain of something you got enough votes or “I’m almost certain that this course of treatment will be successful”. They should ban doctors from using the work almost. Especially children’s doctors. It brings people too much hope. People think that when a doctor uses the word almost, their loved one will get better, that everything will be okay. I believed that.

Why these highly educated individuals think the word almost will do no harm to peoples lives, I really don’t know. Maybe they know it will bring the hope some families desperately need. The family didn’t need to be so hopeful, so sure. Dr Kirean said he was “Almost certain that Luke will get better” and we believed him. Mom called Nana to rejoice, everyone, believing that this was the cure we prayed for.

We were wrong to believe that our potential miracle would actually work out.

Now we stood, dawned in black. The first suit I wore was meant to be on a happy occasion, a prom or my graduation. Not to put you in the ground as the kid who almost kicked cancers ass. It was like the clouds above felt what was brewing inside me and spilled rain all over the graveyard. You almost won. And when I was then sitting in the reception area, the burials after-party, I hear that word almost a thousand times. Some say it to my face, others to our parents. I look around at who attended, aunts, uncles, a few of your old school friends and some teachers. Your care team were invited, I’d say they almost decided to come but knew Mom would kill them. It hurt her the worst when Dr Kireans almost didn’t pan out. I almost went into your bedroom when we got home. I couldn’t look at it, bare to think of it, see a glimpse at who you were before cancer hit. So I sat on my own bed and thought about how you almost got your life back, the life you always wanted.

But almost isn’t good enough, is it?

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