Merrick’s World: An Unexpected Party

Episode two of the new hit comedy starring Supreme Court Nominee Merrick Garland.

Merrick is in line at Burger King puzzling over the menu when current Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor enters. Merrick is not sure whether it is presumptuous to assume she knows who he is, so he offers a cautious, “Hello.”

“Hey, guy,” responds Sotomayor, “you look familiar, do you work at the Dave and Buster’s in Hanover?”

“Um…no, I’m Merrick Garland, the Supreme Court Nominee, I’m really looking forward to…”

Sotomayor cuts in, “Wait, that’s you? A regular-sized white guy?”

“Well, yes, you could say…”

“Huh, you’re not what I expected.”

Sotomayor goes on to explain that everyone on the court thought that Obama had nominated a fictional character as some kind of stall tactic, but that she personally thought he was going to be a real hobbit. “Because of the name, you know.”

After some fast talking on his part, Sotomayor accepts Merrick’s assertion that he is, in fact, a human man and not a creation of JRR Tolkien. They chat a bit more about books they read as kids, and she eventually explains the Burger King menu to Merrick who walks out with a Double Whopper and fries.

Double Whopper

Later that day Merrick goes on a stroll through the National Mall, which, as turns out, does not have a Bath and Body Works. Someone hands him a flyer for something called “The Insiders’ Party.”

“Finally,” Merrick thinks, “a chance to meet with some D.C. insiders.” Maybe this will be his time to really shine in front of Mitch McConnell or to one-up Barack Obama.

The party doesn’t start until 10 pm, and it’s in a neighborhood Merrick has never heard of. Merrick parks his ’97 Hyundai Sonata outside what appears to be an empty warehouse.

’97 Hyundai Sonata

Once inside the warehouse, Merrick quickly realizes that the “Insiders” are a local ska band and not a group of high-powered beltway types. His New Year’s Resolution was to put himself out there more, so he decides to stay.

He goes up to the bar and orders a gin gimlet. The bartender rolls her eyes and passes him something called a “PBR.” After several moments of watching him struggle she reaches over and cracks the can open. “Um…cheers,” says Merrick, raising the can and quickly shuffling into the crowd.

Merrick is beginning to cautiously enjoy the music when he hears someone shouting his name. “Oh no,” mutters Merrick, “this better not be who I think it is.” A hand claps him on the shoulder and there he is, the man who hasn’t stopped texting Merrick all week, Vice President Joe Biden.

“Mr. Vice President, I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“You know me, Merr, I keep my finger on the pulse of the American youth. Besides, the lead singer went to high school with my daughter.”

The vice president then engages in his new favorite game, trying to steal Merrick’s glasses right off his face. Earlier that week Biden had somehow managed to switch Merrick’s glasses with his own locked Merrick in the press secretary’s office before he realized what was going on.

After he manages to give Biden the slip, Merrick heads back to his car and finds himself driving in the direction of the National Zoo. After discovering that it’s shockingly easy to jump the fence, He makes his way to the gorilla enclosure. “Hey, umm, Mr. Gorilla, are you up?”

“Oh hi, Merr,” says the Gorilla, “Mr. Gorilla is my father, you can call me Filibuster.”

“Your name is Filibuster?”

“Don’t worry about it. It seems like you’re not having the best week, Merr. I saw the photos of you locked in the Press Secretary’s office.”

“Where did you…”

“We all get free copies of the USA Today here. Were you wearing new glasses in those photos? I have to say, they do not flatter your face shape.”

“Those were Biden’s glasses,” Merrick fumes.

“Okay, Merr, I see what’s going on here. Lemme tell you what you need to do with Biden.”


“You gotta beat him at his own game.”

“You mean the glasses game?” Merrick starts to say. He is interrupted by the sound of a ’97 Sonata car alarm. “I have to go! Hold that thought!”

On next week’s episode, Merrick tries to deal with Biden and has trouble setting up meetings with senators.

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